It Was the Year of Rebirth
by 88Ivories
Summary: Dean may be back on Earth, but getting his life back together with Sam is not easy. Their long-time friend and ally Jen also has to try and understand this new arrangement and try to earn Sam's trust away from Ruby in the fourth installment of my series.
1. Lazarus Rising

**Welcome to my world, or welcome back to my world! If you are one of my continuing readers, I thank you and suggest you go ahead and skip down to the story. If you are just joining us, let me give you some introduction.**

****If you prefer to avoid spoilers and would like to read what happened previously on your own, please check out my stories It Was the Year of Fire (season 1), It Was the Year of Great Sadness (season 2), and It Was the Year of Pain (season 3) to read about how Sam and Dean's world is a little different when Sam's best friend from Stanford, Jen, ends up along for the ride. She's not much for ghost hunting exactly, but she's always there when someone needs a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on. There's more than that going on with her, but I don't want to give anything away if you are going to read those. However, if you prefer to get a quick summary on Jen and just start reading, I'll direct you to the bottom of this chapter for more information.****

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><p>Jen knew she had to hurry. Dean had been back for hours, and she still hadn't seen him. She wasn't sure if they didn't know he would be back or if they just decided not to tell her, knowing how she would react. Instead, she was in the middle of another mission when she felt Dean's presence. She moved as quickly as she could to finish, although she couldn't move quite as fast as she wanted. She didn't like Dean being alone for this long, especially after hell. She wasn't close enough yet to hear specifics, but what she could feel across the distance was lonely and scared.<p>

She finally caught up to Dean at Bobby's place.

"All right, if I was either, would I do this with a silver knife?" Dean spoke as he cut himself on the arm. Bobby continued to give him an incredulous stare. Jen materialized behind Dean and looked right at Bobby. It only took her a moment in Dean's presence to be certain of Dean's humanity.

"It's him Bobby. It's really him."

Dean spun around at the sound of Jen's voice and stared at her for a second with a shocked look on his face before grabbing her in a hug.

"Oh thank God, you're still here." Dean whispered. Jen squeezed Dean tightly, and as she did, she could see what happened to him in Hell and feel how terrible it was. She controlled herself, careful not to show a reaction.

Even after Dean let go and turned back to Bobby, Jen was quiet. What she had felt from Dean was incredibly intense, and it took her longer than she expected to process it. She didn't find her way back into the conversation again until Dean brought up Sam.

"Sam's number's not working, he's uh...he's not ..." Dean didn't want to say dead, but Bobby and Jen know what he means. Bobby answered quickly.

"Oh, he's alive, as far as I know."

Jen interjected. "Yes. He's definitely alive."

Dean sighed with relief. "Good ... wait, what do you mean as far as you know?"

"I haven't talked to him for months." Bobby said. Dean looked over to Jen. She shook her head. She knew Dean understood. She wished she would be able to help him right now with Sam, but she knew she couldn't. She would have felt it if Sam died, but he had pushed her away and she couldn't track him. She locked eyes with Dean briefly and then slowly vanished. She would still be watching, Dean knew that, but as long as she was useless, she would rather watch invisibly. She knew Dean could track down his brother, she just didn't know what would happen when they found him.

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><p>Dean splashed water on his face, and in the lull began to remember the pain and the torture. His chest felt tight and his breathing quickened. Suddenly, he felt a hand touch his back, and noticed Jen's presence behind him.<p>

"So you know." Dean said quietly. He knew that she could read memories through touch, but he wasn't sure how much she would have seen.

"Yes. All of it."

For a moment there was silence. Dean wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want to talk about what happened. He wasn't sure he would ever want to talk about what happened. He just wanted to forget, and that didn't seem possible. Jen's voice echoed inside of his head.

_I can help, no talking required. Just relax and focus on my hand. _

Dean shut his eyes and obeyed and he could feel the thoughts almost seep out of him and into her hand on his back. The memories faded just enough for the pain to be less striking and more of a dull ache. He worried for a moment.

_What about you?_ He asked silently.

_I've endured more than you can imagine. I can handle this. Let me do this for you._

Dean was not in a position to argue or disagree. He needed her help, and he knew it. He wished she could stay and talk to him about what happened. How did he get back? What happened to Sam? He knew she knew the answers, but he also knew that she couldn't tell him, or she would have. He would have to find out on his own. Still, at least he didn't have to be completely on his own with this.

He felt something, perhaps akin to a small electric shock, a quiver of energy through his body and he knew Jen was gone again. He looked in the mirror once more. He would find out what brought him back here. He would.

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><p><strong> Let me tell you about Jen.<strong>

****Sam met Jen at Stanford, and they became quick and close friends, even best friends (as much as Sam could be with someone). She was also close with Jess, and roomed with the two of them near the end. However, she wasn't there by mere coincidence. Jen is an Earth Spirit or benevolent Goddess, and part of a contingent of similar beings that watch human events, and give personal aid and advice, but never interfere in conflicts and never kill. Jen was assigned to the Winchesters many years ago when Mary made her original deal, but after spending so much time with them, the three have become even closer than friends as she can head their most intimate thoughts, if they allow her to. For a long time they didn't know Jen was anything special or different, but she revealed herself to try and talk Dean out of his deal, which, as we know, didn't work. For various reasons, she and Sam were separated soon after Dean's death, but her bonds to these boys and their story are too tight to let go, and so when Dean comes back, Jen has to find ways to fit the Winchesters back into her current schedule of duties. Now, she has to regain her bond with both Sam and Dean and do what she can to help them avert the upcoming apocalypse. She only hopes she has the strength to do it all.****


	2. Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean W

**And onward the story goes ...**

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><p>Dean stared at the page from the book in front of him. It was one of a stack thatBobby had pulled out hoping that they would have some useful information about Angels. Still, Dean could barely focus on the book. The more he tried to find the information, the more his mind raced, simply trying to process everything that happened.<p>

He heard her voice and he jumped a little.

"Yes, it was an Angel."

Jen delivered her statement flatly, in her usual style, or even perhaps more so than usual, if that was possible.

Dean's eyes widened, and he shut the book he was reading staring at Jen intently. This was what he was waiting for: some kind of confirmation, some information. He hoped it would be information.

"So, Angels are real? Do you know Angels? Why didn't you tell us before?"

Jen pressed her lips together and sat down beside Dean avoiding his eyes.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you much. I couldn't say anything before because I was forbidden. Now that you know, I can confirm, but that's about it. You see, I have, well, a personal history with Angels, and I can't allow that to influence how you approach this situation. You need to form your own opinions."

Dean looked at her. He had dealt with her rules before, but this seemed a bit ridiculous.

"So, you aren't here to tell me anything? Do you even know why I was brought back? Do you know this Castiel?"

"Please don't ask me questions." Jen spoke quietly, and Dean could hear the break in her cool demeanor. She finally turned to him and he could see in her eyes how much she wanted to talk to him about this. He softened at her look.

"Okay, I get it. I won't ask. You can stay with us, right?"

She nodded. "I can stay. I prefer not to interact with the Angels unless absolutely necessary, so I might not always be visible, but I will be here."

Dean nodded. Whatever this was, it was much bigger than him if it affected Jen this much. He had no choice but to leave her be and do what she asked: form his own opinions. Dean sighed and shrugged at Jen.

"Well, if you aren't going to give me the Cliff's Notes, I guess I gotta read this book."

Dean cracked a smile at Jen and she smiled back carefully.

"Okay. I'm around if you need me."

"Don't worry. I'll call if I do."

* * *

><p>Dean sat on the floor looking at Sam warily. "So, I guess that means that you believe in the devil."<p>

Sam looked at Dean confused. "Why are you asking me all this?"

Dean was still shaken by the dream conversation with Castiel, and wasn't sure how to explain what happened to Sam. Then Sam looked up, and Dean spun around to see Jen walk in from the other room. She sat beside Dean on the floor and turned and looked at him.

"Continue." She said, nodding. Dean nodded back, with Jen beside him, he felt more confident. He knew now that what he learned was true, and he knew Sam would believe it if Jen agreed.

Sam was looking even more puzzled by the second. Dean took a deep breath and began.

"So, I talked to Castiel again, he came in a dream. He says this "raising of the witnesses" was definitely a sign of the apocalypse. It was a ... seal?" Dean tried to remember the wording and looked to Jen for approval. She nodded, and Dean continued. "And that Lillith is breaking them to bring about the Apocalypse, she has to break 66, and the last seal raises Lucifer, the Devil."

Sam's eyebrows raised in a look of shock. He paused a moment, then furrowed his brow. "Wait, she wants to raise the Devil? So, what? We're one step closer to the apocalypse? Where were your Angels?"

"Yeah, this seal was definitely broken, and apparently, according to Castiel, the Angel armies are out fighting more important seals in other places, and we are essentially on our own here." Dean started putting the whole situation together in his mind, and he found himself angry at Castiel for leaving them in a dangerous situation like that. Castiel brought Dean back, shouldn't he care about his well-being? Castiel didn't seem to _care_ about anything.

"You know." Dean huffed. "I know we've only known about Angels for a little while, but right now, I'm starting to think Angels are just dicks. They smite and frighten and apparently don't protect people they should."

Sam clearly didn't like Dean's assertion and he frowned at his brother.

"Come on, they have to know more than us, they must have known we could handle it, and there must have been other ... seals ... they could stop. I mean, they are still Angels, right?" Sam looked to Jen, clearly hoping for reassurance about the goodness of Angels, but she wasn't responding. Sam turned back toward Dean. Dean shrugged.

"Either way, it appears we are part of a race to stop the Devil. So we better keep our eyes and ears peeled."

Sam nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I guess we better." Sam paused a moment, thinking, and then he stood up and left the room. Dean knew the look on Sam's face. Sam was not happy with how Dean felt, and probably even more unhappy with Jen's reaction, or lack thereof. Dean turned back to Jen. She had to be able to say something to Sam. He knew that things were strange with her and Sam since they were apart, and he knew that Jen couldn't say much about Angels. Still, it was Jen and Sam. She had to do something. Dean raised his eyebrows at Jen.

"Are you going to ...?"

Jen cut him off. "Yes." She sighed. "I will go talk to him."

Dean let out a sigh of relief. "Good, I'll go get dressed and, uh, stuff." Dean headed back into the bedroom, and Jen toward the door.

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><p>Sam didn't know what to feel after everything Dean had said. Mostly, it seemed to be confusion. The idea of real Angels had been a lot to take in, and now the idea of the Devil? Sam almost wouldn't even fully believe it all, being that Dean was the only one speaking to these Angels, except for Jen. She clearly confirmed Dean's story, although she was too quiet. There seemed to be something wrong about all of it, and especially with Jen's reaction to Angels. Angels are supposed to help people. Jen helps people. How come they don't work together? He wished she would just explain it all rather than give that blank stare that makes him nervous.<p>

Sam went outside and sat on the steps of Bobby's porch trying to sort it all out.

"You probably want to talk to me." Jen's voice floated ahead of her as she came over and sat beside Sam.

Sam turned to look at her. She was incredibly perceptive. He knew that she couldn't read his mind right now. Too much had happened while she was gone and he was with Ruby, and for some reason, he didn't want her to know about any of it yet. So, he pushed her out. Still, she could tell what Sam needed. He pursed his lips for a moment, not sure how to ask her.

"Why were you so quiet in there? I mean, you have to know about Angels, and I get that you couldn't tell us before, but now that we know, you should be able to help. Give us some info, something."

Jen sighed and Sam could see sadness in her eyes, although he didn't understand why that would be.

"This is one of those cases where I need to let you find out the information on your own. Angels evoke very strong opinions in humans. You can already see that in Dean. However, you need to form those opinions as unbiased as possible, meaning that I cannot tell you what I think or what I believe they're doing. Really, I don't know much. I can't read Angels well, and my kind and their kind tend to go our separate ways. I can tell you that the facts are correct as Dean has relayed them, and for the moment, that's all I can do. You understand?"

Jen widened her eyes toward Sam questioningly. It was actually a little bit disconcerting to see Jen ask a question that she didn't already know the answer to. Sam did understand, though, so he nodded at Jen.

"Yeah, yeah I get that."

Jen smiled at Sam. "Thank you. There is something else I want to tell you while we're alone." She paused, and Sam tipped his head at her, wondering what she meant. She took in a breath and continued.

"I want to let you know that I still want to be here for you. I know things happened in the past months, lots of changes, but I know many things are still the same. I would never tell Dean anything you don't want him to know, and I won't get between you and Ruby if that's what you want. Still, you are part of my job, I'd like to try and get some work done."

Jen smiled at Sam cautiously. He was sympathetic, but still not quite ready to just open up to her. He did want to talk about the psychic powers and exorcisms, but he just couldn't do it yet, so he continued to hold back. He did take her hand from her lap and squeeze it. It was his way of saying that he heard her. He would think about it.

"Thank you, Sam." Jen dropped Sam's hand, and put her arms around him in a hug. It was their first hug in months, and Sam had forgotten how good it feels. He held on for a long moment, and tears welled in his eyes, but they didn't fall.

They finally released, and Sam smiled at Jen.

"I'm glad you're back."


	3. In The Beginning

"You cannot send Dean back there." Jen voice rang sharply through the room as she appeared.

"It is already done."

She eyed the Angel in front of her. His emotionless stare was disconcerting to her, but she kept her expression cold and did not take her eyes away from his. She could see the humanity of the person inside the hard Angelic shell, but he was deep inside, unreachable.

"Castiel. Why do you insist upon doing things like that?" Jen's voice held steady against the anger inside of her.

"Ceibhfhionn, or should I say Jen, right? That's what you prefer to be called now? We have not spoken in a long time, nearly a thousand years."

"Yes, well, I've been busy helping people. What have you been up to?"

"I do my duties."

"Including putting the one person you believe can save the world through emotional trauma on a fruitless information gathering mission?" Jen had stopped playing nice and her stare was now ice cold and her eyes were lasers directed into Castiel's.

Castiel looked away from Jen. She wasn't sure why. "Dean can handle himself."

Jen sigh and crossed her arms. "Sure, right away he can handle it, but afterwards you are gone and I am left with the fall out. Things are difficult enough right now, I don't need an extra complication."

"They felt that this was the best way to find out the information we need to understand what's happening."

"They? They felt that way? Who's they this time, Raphael? Uriel? Zachariah? I never liked him."

"It does not matter who gave me the order. It is God's Will."

Jen paused for a moment, eyeing the Angel in front of her, not understanding his blind obedience to forces that he has never even seen.

"It's always God's Will, isn't it? Have you asked God? Is it truly his will?" Jen smirked at the Angel, knowing he would have trouble with this line of questioning. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Questioning His Will is blashphemy."

"That's not _my_ problem. I completely disagree with your, or _His_, methods. Unlike you, I prefer less dramatic and more honest and sincere ways of interacting with humans." Jen replied smugly.

Castiel straightened and looked right at Jen. "Your ways don't work. Both Dean and John ended up in Hell, and Dean broke the first seal. And Sam, well, you barely even seem to talk to him anymore. Not that Sam matters to us. He is allowed to live because Dean would never comply otherwise."

The rage that Jen had been holding back successfully flared at Castiel's last statement. She took a step forward and pointed her finger in Castiel's face.

"You don't even understand Sam's importance, do you? That is going to bite you all in the ass someday."

Castiel didn't back away from Jen. "Did you know Sam is with Ruby right now using his abilities? I think it's you who doesn't understand that Sam is a liability."

Jen stared down Castiel for another moment then turned around and strode a few steps away before sharply turning back.

"I don't have time for this. I have a job to do, which you have just made infinitely more difficult. Just try not to do anything stupid, okay?"

"God's Will is never stupid."

Jen smiled once more at Castiel. "Right. That's why humans have tailbones." Then Jen vanished. She wished she could tell Sam and Dean about conversations like this, but she knew she couldn't. They would have to learn about Angels for themselves. She just hoped they would work it She couldn't take much more blind obedience right now.

For the moment, Jen remained nearby but unseen and still. Dean would be back soon, and then she would be very busy.


	4. Metamorphosis

Dean was driving far too fast and could barely focus on the road. He couldn't believe what he had just seen: Sam using strange psychic powers and working with Ruby. It was simply too much, especially after getting back from 1973 and his parents. He didn't know what else to do though, so he pushed a little harder on the accelerator.

"Pull over, Dean."

Jen's voice. Dean wasn't surprised. It actually took her longer than he expected.

"I don't have to do that. I am just fine."

"I disagree."

Dean chuckled. "Shocking, Ms. Opinionated has an opinion. Well, what do you think about your little Sam and his demon? Huh? Did you know that was going on?"

Jen sighed. "Yes and no. I had a good idea, but I was serious when I said I hadn't spoken to Sam in months, and that includes his thoughts. He's still pushing me out, so tonight, I knew no more than you."

Dean could hear the sadness in her voice even without looking at her and he knew that Jen was telling him the truth. That didn't change the fact that he was pissed, and he deserved to be after what Sam did. Jen's voice, a little quieter now, entered Dean's ears again.

"Please pull over."

It wasn't often that Jen pleaded that way for something, and Dean knew what he was doing was dangerous, so he finally agreed and slowed the Impala, pulling off next to an abandoned field. When he finally stopped and switched off the engine he let the tirade that was building inside of him begin.

"I can't believe what Sam is doing! And he promised me that he wouldn't, lot of fucking good that did. I mean exorcising demons with his mind? That isn't right. That isn't human. That is not my brother back there. I don't know what he is anymore."

Dean was acutely aware of how his voice shook, as well as the lump in his throat and the tears in his eyes. Still, the only thing he could feel right then was the anger. Jen slid closer to him and put her hand on his shoulder.

"He's still Sam. I may not hear his thoughts, but there's a lot I can know without that, especially about you two. He's still your brother, Dean."

"I don't know, Jen. It's just so wrong. Especially now after talking with Mom about what she wanted for us. This is part of it, isn't it? This is why mom never wanted this for us."

Dean already knew that he was going to lose this fight against himself, and sure enough just as soon as he started talking about Mary the tears in his eyes gave way and began to fall. Without hesitating, he turned to Jen, holding her tightly, and she reciprocated. For a moment, Dean lost all thoughts of Sam and could only think of his mother in 1973: young, beautiful, and still subject to the same fate that he couldn't stop. Between sobs he kept whispering to Jen. "I couldn't save her. Why couldn't I save her?"

Jen's voice drifted back into his ears, or was it inside his head? Perhaps both.

"I'm sorry, Dean. You could never have saved her. What's done is done, and time finds ways of fixing itself. Castiel misled you and used you for information that he couldn't even get, and he shouldn't have done that."

Dean's sobs were calming, but the tears were not. "Then what was the point of it all?" Dean asked. There had to be something to come out of this other than the crushing grief of missing his parents and the feeling of helplessness that he couldn't push away.

"I think it was an opportunity. You got to meet your parents in a way most people never would, and you got to meet your grandparents, your namesakes. That's something even I couldn't give you. It hurts now, but those are memories you'll always keep."

Dean understood what Jen was saying, but there was just one huge inconsistency that he couldn't seem to reconcile. He pushed back off Jen and looked at her through his tears.

"She said it was the worst thing she could think of, our lives, brought up as hunters. She just wanted to be safe. The fucking yellow-eyed demon destroyed her dream, and we still don't even know for what. Shit, the Angels don't know what the big endgame is. What am I supposed to do with that?" Dean looked to Jen for answers, not knowing if she would have any.

Jen looked at Dean, then brought her hand up to his face, wiped his tears with her thumb and cupped his chin. "Your mother was incredibly young when she said that to you, and lots of things changed in the years that followed. I knew your mother. I started keeping an eye on your parents within months after what you saw, and I know that Mary would be proud of you. It may not be the life she imagined back then, but she would be glad that you have saved and helped so many people and she would be proud of the person you have become in the process."

Dean looked at Jen still questioning. He knew that Jen wouldn't lie to him, but how could she be so certain of how his mother felt or what she would have thought about their lives so many years after she died?

Jen dropped her hand and picked up Dean's. "Shut your eyes. Let me show you something." Dean obeyed. "Some of this you'll remember. Some of it happened so fast that it only seemed like a moment to you." Then, a memory flooded Dean's mind.

_Dean was standing in his old house in Lawrence. He recognized the scene, Sam was pinned to the wall, Jen was grasping both their hands, and the figure of Mary has just appeared out of the flames in front of them._

_"Dean." Mary said, pausing before she walked over to Sam, "Sam."_

_Suddenly it was as if time stopped and Mary turned her head to Jen. No one moved, but Dean could hear his mother's voice._

_"You. I remember you. Though I didn't realize who you really were until you came back here. I can see you now, really see you. You were always there, weren't you, watching me, and now watching them."_

_"Yes." Jen's voice responded though her lips did not move. Mary continued._

_"So, they grew up hunters after all."_

_"Yes. They are good hunters, they have helped so many people."_

_"I know. I can see it, all of it. They are so amazing. I would never have imagined I would have such good, strong, amazing boys. I'm sorry I had to leave them, but I think the world is better because of it. Tell Sam someday that I'm sorry about Jessica."_

_"I will."_

_"I've been holding on. Wondering what happened. Imagining the worst. Now I know. My family has done a lot of good, and I can repay them tonight. I can destroy this spirit, can't I."_

_"Yes, but you are its equal, it will destroy you too."_

_"I know what I need to. They will be okay, John too. Tell him I love him, and always will. Tell Sam and Dean too, someday, somehow."_

_"They know. But I'll tell them anyway."_

_"Thank you."_

_Mary moved again and spoke aloud to Sam. "I'm sorry."_

Dean's memory faded to black. Tears stung at his eyes, still closed, hearing his mother's voice and seeing her once again. Dean and Jen were both still for a moment. Then Dean opened his eyes and the tears in them spilled over and he looked at Jen.

"But what about Sam now, with this crazy psychic exorcism stuff? You don't know what mom would think of that. I don't know what I think of that."

The anger from before returned to Dean, and this time it brought with it some fears about his baby brother. Regular old human beings didn't exorcise demons with their minds, so what was Sam now? How far could this go? What might happen if others knew?

Dean pressed his lips together, his tears nearly exhausted and the rest of his concerns pushing forward instead. "What do I do, Jen?"

It was a question Dean had asked Jen many times, and still continued to ask even knowing what her answer would be.

"You need to figure that out for yourself, Dean."

Dean nodded at Jen. She never did give them answers easily. He would just have to take this up with Sam himself. Jen returned a nod at Dean and then slowly vanished from sight. Dean took a moment to gather himself, then he turned back to the wheel. He had to face Sam, he might as well do it sooner than later.

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><p>Sam focused on writing down the information Travis was telling him. He was glad Travis called when he did. He wasn't sure how to make Dean understand. He certainly didn't want Dean to leave, and he was just barely holding himself together to convince him to stay. Just as he hung up with Travis, Dean spoke.<p>

"So, we're going to Missouri?"

Sam breathed out a sigh of relief. Dean was staying. Sam looked up at his brother and then he saw the probable reason that Dean gave in so easily; Jen was standing beside him. Jen looked right at Sam, and he knew that she was there for him. Now that Dean had seen what Sam had done, Jen knew too. However, Sam didn't see any of the malice in Jen's eyes that he had seen in Dean's. He just saw his best friend, ready and willing to help him, as though they hadn't been apart for the last three months. The tears that Sam had pushed back before came up and filled his eyes. He couldn't speak through the lump in his throat so he simply nodded at Dean's question, frozen in place. Dean spoke again.

"Well, then, I'm going to run out, get some supplies, food, you know. I'll be back." Dean quickly left the room.

Sam had not taken his gaze off of Jen since he saw her. She gave him a small smile and walked toward him. Now, with Dean gone, Sam's composure finally broke and the tears began to slide down his cheeks. He wrapped his arms around Jen, and she held him just as he let a sob slip out.

"I'm sorry." Sam whispered between sobs. "I'm so sorry."

"It's alright. I've got you now." Jen whispered back to Sam.

Sam really was sorry, not only for this incident, but for the whole last three months. He was sorry that he had pushed Jen away, and now he let those barriers back down and knew that she could hear his thoughts again. He felt guilty for so much of what happened, but if Jen noticed that, she didn't make it apparent. She just stayed put until Sam was ready to lift his head, stand back, and look at Jen again. The tears were still burning in his eyes as he asked Jen the question he was most worried about, and the main reason he hadn't said anything up until now.

"Dean doesn't hate me, does he?"

"Oh, honey." Jen reached to take Sam's hands. "Dean can't hate you, he's your brother." She paused a moment. "He is scared though. Between this and the Angels, it's a lot to take in. You can understand that, right?"

Sam nodded. He understood, although that didn't make it any easier on him. He was scared of what he could do, too. Still, it was something he had to deal with, and therefore that's what he would do. Jen slipped her hands out of his and waited for him to speak next. Sam looked up at Jen and tried to smile.

"Thanks. You know, for not completely abandoning me."

Jen looked at Sam carefully. "I would never abandon you. I'm always here if you want me to be."

A moment of silent understanding passed between them. Then Jen spoke again.

"Now, you boys enjoy your trip to Missouri. I'll be around."

Sam smiled, for real this time. "I know you will."

Then, Jen was gone.

* * *

><p>Sam stormed out of the motel room. He simply didn't understand how they could kill a man because he "might" turn into a monster. Especially with everything that he was dealing with, this case was becoming very personal for Sam very fast. Dean didn't say a word either. Sam would have thought that Dean might at least think about standing up for his little brother, but no, apparently not. Of course, right now, Sam wasn't sure how Dean felt about him.<p>

With Sam's thoughts racing out of control, and anger building up to nearly explosive levels, Sam sank onto a bench just out of the way. He squeezed his eyes shut, hands pressed to temples, and he spoke quietly.

"Jen? Are you there? Please?" Sam remained a little nervous that she won't show. It was the first time he had called her in months, but her voice echoed in his ears almost immediately.

"Of course I'm here."

He looked up and Jen was standing right in front of him. He swallowed hard and spoke. "You don't think I'm crazy for wanting to give this guy a chance, do you?"

Jen responded quickly. "No. I don't." She sat beside Sam and continued talking. "You know that I believe in saving lives and avoiding killing whenever possible, no matter who or what might be killed."

Sam sighed. "It's so easy for Dean, and Travis, and every other hunter. They see this clear boundary between human and not, but I can't do that, because I don't know what I am." Tears began to fill Sam's eyes and he blinked them back as well as he could. "That's why I didn't want to tell Dean. He looks at me differently. I mean, he said …" The words caught in Sam's throat for a moment and a tear escaped down his cheek. His words came out only as a whisper. "He said that he would want to hunt me."

The tears in Sam's eyes refused to be contained any longer and began to fall, though he tried to wipe them away. Jen's arm wrapped around his shoulders, but she remained quiet. For a moment they sat in silence, until Sam asked Jen a question that he was certain she wouldn't answer, but he had to ask anyway.

"What should I do?"

"So, we're talking about you now, not Jack." Jen stated simply. Sam wasn't sure he was thinking that until she spoke, but he nodded quickly, realizing the truth in her statement. She continued. "What do you think you should do?"

Sam pressed his lips together, trying to think and maintain what composure he still had. He knew Jen would respond that way, still, he wasn't quite sure how to answer.

"I don't know. I mean, the exorcisms work. I can save people." Sam trailed off somewhat. Jen broke in quickly.

"But?"

Sam should have known that was coming.

"But, it, well, I, I guess it still feels wrong, somehow, and Ruby, well, she seems to be on our side, but I know Dean doesn't trust her and you don't trust her, and the angels don't like this, but, it's still inside of me, and I can't get rid of it. Shit." Sam buried his head in his hands and tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to keep from shaking too hard. Jen squeezed his shoulder and spoke into his ear.

"Deep down, you always know what to do. I believe in you, Sam."

Sam listened and breathed slowly and pulled himself back together. He sat back up, squeezing his eyes shut and then looking up into the sky. He nodded slowly to himself. "So, if it feels wrong, it probably is."

"Make the decisions that make you feel good, Sam. That's the best you can do."

Sam sighed. He knew that part of the reason Jen spoke in riddles was that she wasn't allowed to give direct advice due to her knowledge of the situations. It didn't make her answers all that helpful. Still, she was there with him again. He'd take just that for now. He still had a lot to think about and he still had Dean to deal with, but right now he had other things to do.

"I suppose that applies to Jack too?"

"Yes, I think it does."

* * *

><p>Burning Jack alive was far from the highlight of Sam's day and he couldn't seem to shake the awful feeling of it. At least Dean seemed to understand how difficult that was for Sam, but his trying to talk about it all wasn't really helping. Sam was glad that Dean listened when he said that he didn't want to talk about it, but still, Sam could feel Dean's protective eyes on him all the time, waiting for something to go wrong. Nothing did, that is, until that night.<p>

Falling asleep wasn't a problem, both boys were tired out by the last case, physically and mentally. It was staying asleep that Sam couldn't quite get to work. The nightmare was terrifying. Sam could see and feel himself changing, like Jack did. He tried to stop it, but he couldn't. Still, he knew he was himself even though he looked hideous. That didn't stop the brigade of hunters charging him. Right in the front, machete in hand, was Dean, and he was adorned with Angel wings. He shouted as they advanced.

"God wants you dead!"

Then, Sam heard another voice from farther away. "Come, Sam. Come towards my voice. You'll be safe there."

He listened to the instructions and turned toward the voice and ran as hard as he could. The hunters chased him. He heard the voice again.

"Come, Sam. You'll be safe. Keep coming through the blue light."

Then he saw it. There was a doorway surrounded by shimmering blue. The hunters were gaining but he reached the door first. As he stepped through the world around him began to fade. The voices got farther and farther away and soon he realized that he was waking up in his motel bed and that Jen was sitting beside him.

Still, the nightmare was close in his mind and he could still feel the pit in his stomach as tears filled his eyes. He pushed himself up to sit and wrapped his arms around Jen, leaning his face into her shoulder just as he choked back a sob. He could hear her voice inside his head, and he recognized it as the voice from the dream that led him back here.

_I'm here. You're safe with me. No one will hurt you here._

Sam let the tears cascade for a little while, letting out some of the tension he had been holding onto from the ordeal. After a few moments, the initial emotion slowed, and the underlying issues began to sneak back into his mind.

_Does God hate me? _Sam directed his thoughts to Jen.

_God doesn't hate anyone._ Jen responded clearly.

_Dean seems to think he does._

_Dean heard from an Angel that, by the way, doesn't actually speak to God himself, that someone up there wants you to stop using your powers. That's far from God hating you._

Sam thought for a moment and couldn't find fault with her logic, even though the bad feeling still nagged him.

_What about Dean? _Even as he thought it, Sam knew that Dean's reaction bothered him so much more than the Angels'. Tears pushed into Sam's eyes again and he pushed his lips together, working to keeping from falling apart with his brother just asleep on the other bed. He wasn't able to hold out for long. Sam had already lost his brother once, and now that he had him back, he couldn't bear to think about losing him again, to this. Jen's arms tightened around him.

_Dean could not hate you. You're his brother, and his problem is that he doesn't want to lose you again either, to death or to the dark side, and certainly not at the hands of an Angel. Dean loves you more than anything, and always will._

Sam heard what Jen said and it all made sense to him. He was still worried, but at least for now it seemed like things were going to be okay. Jen was here. Dean was here. Sam hadn't had his family back together like this in too long, and in her usual way, Jen knew the last thing Sam needed. As he began to drift off, she began to sing.

_Can you fix this, it's a broken heart  
>It was fine, but it just fell apart<br>It was mine but now I give it to you  
>Cause you can fix it, you know what to do<em>

Let your love cover me  
>Like a pair of angel wings<br>You are my family  
>You are my family<p> 


	5. Monster Movie

**Time for just a little amusement.**

* * *

><p>Sam and Dean drove away from Pennsylvania, Oktoberfest, the shapeshifter, and their own personal monster movie feeling pretty good. Therefore, Dean was surprised when he noticed Jen appear in the backseat. Dean glanced at his brother who was obliviously watching the scenery.<p>

"We appear to have company."

Sam quickly glanced around, and gave Jen a surprised look when he saw her. She just smiled and waved at him.

"Hey, Jen, what's going on?"

Her smile grew wider into an almost sheepish grin. It was not a look Sam had ever seen on Jen before.

"I just wanted to tell you both, now that you survived, um ... that was awesome."

Sam and Dean looked at each other confused. "What are you talking about? Us almost getting ourselves killed?"

"No, well, I mean, it was pretty amusing to see the girl save you two, but I mean Dracula! Also, the Mummy and the Wolf Man. I just love those movies, and he did such a great job, really channeling the old guys, Boris and Bela. Did I ever tell you I met Bela Lugosi back in the day? Whew, he was smooth."

Dean raised his eyebrows. "Did you just seriously tell us that you had a fling with the original Dracula?"

Jen slyly smiled. "I said no such thing." Her eyes lit up again as she continued. "Anyway, I saw so many of those movies in the theaters. They were just amazing, at the time, anyway."

Dean nearly choked trying to keep from laughing, and nearly swerved off the road in the process. He got the Impala back under control before continuing.

"I would never have taken you for a horror movie lover."

Sam was still looking at Jen in amazement. "How did you do it? Knowing the truth about the real creatures?"

"I think that knowing the reality makes the movies more interesting. Looking for the elements of the legends and the myths that are real and looking to see which have changed over the centuries or been modernized. It's really quite amusing and intellectual. I mean, a girl has to keep herself occupied over thousands of years." Jen sighed and leaned back in the seat looking wistful. "But, still early 1900's cinema, wow, those were the days."

Dean smiled to himself. Jen was one of those people, beings, whatever, that was always a little more interesting every day. He supposed that thousands of years of adventures would provide that. Still, he knew what had to be done now that he knew this tidbit.

"Well, I think I know what we are doing tonight!"

Sam was still smiling from ear to ear, dimples showing. Dean knew that Sam had a good idea of where this was going, but he asked his brother anyway.

"And what's that?"

Dean pointed a finger in the air as he declared. "Bad horror movie night!"

After that, no one in the car could speak through the laughter for at least five minutes.


	6. Yellow Fever

Dean knew Jen was there with him during the last few hours, but he barely remembered her presence. All he could focus on was Lillith advancing on him and his heart pounding like it was going to explode. When it finally ended though, he found himself on the floor with his head in her lap. They both breathed a long sigh of relief and relaxed for a moment. After a bit of recovery, Dean sat himself up, still leaning on Jen for support.

Now that he was past the panic, he allowed the whole encounter with Lillith in his mind sink in. He spoke carefully, trying to keep his voice steady.

"So, I didn't get this ghost sickness because of anything I did up here, did I? It was all about what I did in the pit."

Jen's arm was wrapped around Dean's shoulder and she gave him a squeeze. She was the only one so far who knew that Dean remembered it all, and she had been there with him through the nightmares and flashbacks whenever she could. She never pushed, never asked him to talk about it; he appreciated that.

She responded strongly to his statement. "That appears to be the case, but you aren't there anymore, and no one is going to let you go back."

The memories were already surfacing quickly as tears filled Dean's eyes.

"I hate myself for it. I really do."

Jen's other arm encircled Dean, holding him securely. He reached up for her arm in front of his chest and held it as she spoke.

"You shouldn't hate yourself. It was Hell. That's what happens down there."

The tears in Dean's eyes spilled over and down his cheeks, and he gripped Jen tighter. "I should have fought harder. I should have …" He trailed off, unable to finish his statement.

Jen's voice echoed now both in his ears and inside his head.

"I know you did your best, because I know you. I also know that no one who loves you would think less of you for what happened down there, only you do. You should really forgive yourself."

Dean shook his head as he gripped Jen's arm harder. He knew she was trying to help, but there was no way he could forgive himself for what he did, what he became. He whispered. "No, I can't. Not yet."

The tears had completely blurred his vision, and he felt a sob rise up in his chest. He turned toward Jen and put his arms around her, burying his face into her shoulder. This was really the first time since Dean had returned that he had been in a position to stop and think about his time in Hell. Everything up until now was brief, fleeting, and quickly pushed aside so that Dean could continue with his life. This time, though, it settled in to his gut, and it hurt like a son-of-a-bitch.

The funny thing was that part of him wanted to feel this way. He felt like he deserved it somehow, as payback for the souls he tortured. The rest of him just wanted to be able to forget it ever happened.

Jen sat silently, holding Dean tightly. There wasn't anything more she could do, Dean knew that, or she would have done it already. He tried to think about the pain melting into her, because she told him once that she can take that from him. He always hesitated doing that, worried that it would be too much for her, but somehow he knew she could handle it. So he did and began to calm down and push the memories back down inside where they wouldn't bother him.

Dean suddenly realized how exhausted he was and he loosened his grip around Jen, but remained against her shoulder. His eyes were so heavy now. He looked up at Jen. "Don't let them know, please."

Jen smiled at him. "Of course not."

One more battle with his past finished. One of so many he knew were still to come.


	7. It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester

Uriel was gone and Sam spun around in shock at his rapid disappearance. Sam had no idea what to make of what had just happened, and he took a few steps in mental confusion before sinking onto the bed. He felt Jen's presence as she slowly materialized next to him. His eyes burned and he barely realized what was happening as Jen wrapped her arms around him, and he started sobbing. He couldn't shake the images in his mind of Dean's face when he exorcised Samhain or of Uriel's just now. Still, he knew that he and Dean would be dead if he hadn't done what he did, and right now, his brain simply couldn't reconcile anything, so he just let loose in Jen's tight embrace.

"I know, honey. I know." Jen whispered to him.

After some time, Sam picked himself up and looked at Jen through the tears that were refusing to clear away. He had to ask her the question that was bothering him the most, though. He didn't know if she could answer, but he had to ask.

"I always thought that Angels would be, I don't know, understanding, and compassionate, and would want to save and help humanity. I mean, they are God's messengers, and I thought they were the ones who answer our prayers. Now, I wonder who I've been praying to." Sam's voice started to catch and he pressed his lips together, trying not to break down again.

Jen paused a moment, and then she reached out and pushed Sam's hair out of his eyes and brushed tears off his cheek. "Prayer is a form of directed energy. You have a request, and you send your energies out into the universe. From your perspective, you are sending that energy to God or to Heaven or Angels. But don't forget, there are others on earth who can pick-up on those energies as well." Jen smiled at Sam just slightly. Then, Sam remembered something Jen had said to him once, back when they first thought they had encountered Angels.

_"So, do you think the Universe sent you to help me?" _

_Jen answered him with certainty. "I know it did."_

The tears welled up in Sam's eyes again. "You really meant that, didn't you? You really were sent by the Universe?" Sam looked to Jen for confirmation, for something to let him know that these same creatures that looked at him with such contempt weren't the only ones answering him.

Jen took Sam's hands and looked into his eyes as tears began to fall again.

"In a way," she said as she smiled gently. "I have always been an answer to your prayers. I can't solve everything, but I'm always looking out for you." Jen let go of Sam's hands and he wrapped his arms back around her. Knowing that about Jen did make Sam feel better, but there was still a nagging problem. He kept thinking about it over and over and he knew Jen could hear him.

_I still don't know what to do about my power. What's the right thing to do? _

Jen's response was what Sam expected.

_There is no absolute right and wrong. You need to make your own decisions._

Sam had nearly exhausted his tears, and he lifted his head just slightly and wiped his eyes with one hand. "I know." He said quietly. Then he sat up completely, letting go of Jen. "I know." He said again, swallowing hard. He looked up, thoughtful for a moment.

"I can't believe that Jess has been gone three years tomorrow."

"Yes.' Jen sighed. "Are you going to be okay?" She asked Sam, cracking a smile at him.

Sam knew that Jen knew the answer to that question, and somehow he found himself smiling back at her when he responded.

"Probably not."

Jen shrugged at him, eyes sparkling. "Yeah, I didn't think so."

"How about Dean?" Sam asked, more seriously and somewhat concerned.

Jen's eyes clouded over briefly, but she quickly recovered and smiled again. "We'll just have to keep busy."

Sam looked at Jen suspiciously for a moment. "Uriel said to ask Dean what he remembers about Hell. He does remember, doesn't he?" Jen was silent. That was Jen's most basic tell, and Sam knew he was right. "I can see it; I'm not stupid. What did Uriel mean about getting off his high horse?" Jen looked right at Sam, solemnly.

"I can't tell you what's in Dean's head."

"But, I'm his brother. I should know. Maybe I can help."

"If your brother wants his thoughts public, he'll tell you. If he doesn't, telling you is not my place." She gave Sam a look that distinctly said _don't ask me again_.

Sam gave her one more pleading puppy dog eye look, but he knew it wouldn't work. Jen was always the only one that he couldn't con with that look. Apparently thousands of years of experience will take care of that. Sam sighed and agreed with Jen; he really had no other choice.

"Okay." Sam finally responded, and then he reached over and gave Jen one more huge hug. "I don't suppose you're going anywhere?"

"Not until after tomorrow." She said. Sam half-smiled at Jen and finished packing.

* * *

><p><p>

Dean focused on the road in front of him heading toward Bobby's. That was Jen's idea, and probably the best one considering what day it was tomorrow. Sam was already acting out of sorts and Dean wasn't sure if it was the impending date, the encounter with the Angels, his powers, or a combination of all three. Whatever it was, Sam wasn't being overly chatty. Dean had told him what Castiel had said, and that information barely changed elicited a response. Oh well, they were almost at Bobby's and Jen had promised them a home-cooked dinner. Everything else could wait until after that.

Dinner was delicious, and afterwards everyone grabbed beers and headed into the living room to catch Bobby up on the Angel situation. Dean told his story about Castiel again, and Sam listened quietly without comment. Jen spent most of the conversation pacing the room, and Bobby kept stealing glances at her while he listened.

Dean reached the end of the story. "I don't know what to think about what Cas said. Sometimes I think Angels are dicks, but then he says that to me and I wonder about it."

Bobby nodded and sipped his beer. Then he looked directly at Jen, still on her feet. "You gonna finally give us your opinion on this whole Angel business."

Jen stopped suddenly looking confused. Then she shrugged and spoke quickly. "It's not my place."

"Bullshit." Bobby noisily put his beer down on the table and stood up. "These boys are youngsters still, but you can't fool me. You don't like Angels at all, don't you."

Jen's face was completely expressionless, but he eyes were almost wild. "That's not entirely true."

Dean and Sam turned to look at each other. They had never seen Jen caught this off-guard, and now it was becoming quite clear that she did have some serious problems with Angels. Bobby pushed her just a little further.

"Listen, honey, I've been reading people for a long time, and I know when someone is hiding something, and you are. Don't leave us all hanging in the dark here."

Jen sighed looking around at everyone in the room. "All right. I guess you have had enough interaction with them now anyway. I'll talk."

Jen slowly sat in a chair, drawing out Dean's anticipation of what she was going to say.

"I'll admit, I tend not to like the way Angels do things. They are like soldiers on a battlefield, and they don't think about the way their missions will affect people's thoughts and lives. We're working from opposite points of view. I think about the individual people, they think about the final results. Amongst my kind, there tends to be the feeling that Angels sometimes pop down here and mess with 'our' world, and we can get a bit possessive. Especially when certain Angels talk about wiping out entire towns."

Dean did not miss the flare of anger in her eyes during that last statement, but it soon flickered out.

"Their solutions are often worse than the problems. So, no, generally, I don't like or trust Angels." Jen paused. She thought for a moment, looking wistful. Then she continued. "I do need to point out though, every Angel is different, and I will always allow them to prove themselves to me."

"What about Cas?" Dean asked.

Jen thought for a second. "We have a small history, but I don't really know him well. He could be worse, he could be Uriel, but he still doesn't understand how things affect you as a person. He also follows orders a bit too readily, which has already led to using you to find out information in a way that hurt more than it needed to."

Dean didn't understand Jen's last statement. How was he used and how did it hurt?

"What do you mean?" He questioned. Jen looked up at him, sadness in her eyes. She hesitated a moment before speaking quietly.

"When he brought you back in time to see Mary and John."

Suddenly, a silence passed over the room and eyes turned to the clock. 12:07, November 2nd.

* * *

><p><p>

Jen knew that was bound to happen. These were not easy topics on typical days, much less this one. She stood quietly now, waiting for the initial impact of the storm that is November 2nd and the Winchester boys.

For a moment nobody moved. Bobby broke the silence by standing up and heading toward the stairs.

"Well, now that we have the facts, it's too late for me. I will see you all in the morning."

Bobby's movement allowed both Sam and Dean to start moving as well. Dean chugged down the last of his beer and left the room. Sam was grabbing bottles and dishes and put them in the kitchen. Jen was standing in the room alone when Sam returned, and he went right over to her and grabbed her in a hug. She squeezed him back.

"Time to get some sleep I think." Jen spoke quickly. Sam pulled back away from her.

"Yeah. I guess I can give that a try."

Jen smiled at Sam. "I can help." She looped his arm, and they headed back to the bedroom.

Dean was already there, just about to hop into bed. Jen brushed her hand across his shoulder as she walked past him and he relaxed just slightly to her touch. She couldn't do much for Dean. If she pushed too hard, the memories of Hell pushed back harder, so she was careful. For Sam, though, she squeezed his hand briefly and spoke just a word to put the thought into his mind. "Sleep."

She sat down on the chair between the beds and began to sing. It was just a chant, but it was enough to lull two tired boys to sleep.

The night was quiet. Although for Jen, it was much too quick.

* * *

><p><p>

Sam woke up early, although he knew Jen was already making breakfast because he could smell coffee and bacon. For a moment it reminded him of Stanford, and then he remembered what day it was. He glanced toward Dean who appeared to still be asleep. He could see sun coming in around the window shade and decided that a bit of sun would be the best way to start this day. Sam quietly grabbed his clothes and shoes and headed toward the porch.

Sam wanted at least a few minutes to himself. Time alone wasn't something common for Sam. He had grown up around Dean and John, there were always people at school, and even when Dean was in Hell, Ruby was there. For a little while, he even put up that little bit of a barrier between himself and Jen, so that Sam was truly alone with his thoughts.

For a time he just sat thinking about everything, letting the thoughts come and go and not trying to really analyze it yet. Then slowly, things started to settle around the same question Sam had yesterday for Jen that she couldn't answer: what to do about his powers. He wondered what Jess would think or say if she knew about any of this. He wondered what his mom and dad would say.

The weight of the day started to press on Sam, and his thought process soon drifted back to the beautiful, intelligent, wonderful girl he lost three years ago today. Tears filled his eyes, and he let them fall. He leaned forward and took in a deep breath, which caught just at the end. He pulled down his barrier and whispered. "Jen?' He had enough being alone for a while.

A moment later, Sam heard the door creak and Jen's footsteps behind him. She sat down beside Sam and looped an arm around his shoulder. He looked out at the lot through the blur of tears.

"I really miss Jess."

"I know. So do I."

Sam didn't try to talk any further; he just leaned onto Jen's shoulder and cried. He was hoping that if he got this out now, maybe the rest of the day would be easier, though he wasn't really certain of that. Jen stayed silent beside him, but Sam knew that she was doing her best to draw the pain away from him. Slowly but surely, it worked, and Sam's tears slowed and then stopped.

"You want some breakfast?" Jen asked as Sam picked himself up, rubbing at his eyes.

Sam nodded and gave Jen a weak smile. "Yeah, breakfast sounds good."

Jen returned his smile and the two went inside.

* * *

><p><p>

Dean woke to the smell of coffee and allowed it to lure him out of bed and out to the kitchen where he also found eggs and bacon and Bobby finishing up a plate of food. Dean grabbed himself a plate and loaded up, sitting across from Bobby.

"God, I love breakfast." Dean spoke with his mouth full and Bobby shot him a look. He swallowed. "Where's Sam and Jen?"

Bobby nodded toward the door. "Porch."

For just a second Dean wondered what they were doing out there, and then he remembered. He stopped mid-bite to the slight punch in the gut, but he took a couple of breaths and kept eating, determined not to let this day take him down. At least, not yet.

He looked across at Bobby. "So, what have you got going on today?"

Bobby shrugged. "I have an old '76 T-Bird that got towed out here last week and was going to see if I could get it running again. You think you might have some ideas about that?"

Dean smiled. Other than killing evil fuckers, there wasn't anything he liked better than working on old cars. He was sure Bobby offered that on purpose, and it wasn't something that he was going to argue with.

"Yeah, I think I can help you out with that."

"Good." Bobby nodded and went to clean off his plate.

* * *

><p><p>

The rest of Sam's morning went by pretty quickly. Him and Jen did some research about seals and Lucifer and tried to work out some of the things that might happen next. They had some sandwiches for lunch with Dean and Bobby, and then Sam went back to the books while Jen cleaned up. That's when it all began to hit him again, without Jen there changing the topic of conversation. Sam shook his head and tried to stay focused, but the book into front of him was blurring. He squeezed his eyes shut and leaned back in the chair. He breathed in and out carefully, and then he felt her hands on his shoulders and her voice in his ear.

"Want to take a walk?"

Sam felt better at her touch, at least well enough to pull it together and respond.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that."

The two closed up the books and gathered up shoes and coats and headed out the door. Jen started walking, briskly, toward the woods near Bobby's place without saying a word. Sam followed.

For a while, they walked in silence. Jen kept a quick pace quick that forced Sam to focus on walking including a winding path between trees and bushes requiring almost fancy footwork. Soon, Sam was busy enough watching both his head and feet that he had nearly forgotten what day it was.

Just as Sam was beginning to fatigue, he saw a clearing up ahead with a large log on its side in the middle. Jen turned and smiled at him. Clearly, this was the planned stopping point.

The two sat down and Jen produced some granola bars and water bottles from inside her coat.

Sam smiled as he took a bite of chocolate peanut butter crunch. "You are amazing."

Jen raised her eyebrows and her eyes sparkled. "I know."

They sat in silence for a moment while eating, and then Sam began the conversation with a sigh.

"So … you don't like angels?"

Jen paused a moment thoughtfully. Sam knew that she had to be careful about what she said, but he hoped to understand better. Then, Jen took a deep breath and began to speak.

"It's more complicated than that. Most of the time, honestly, Angels stay out of the way. Heaven is their domain, earth is ours, and hell belongs to the demons. Lately, everyone seems to want their own piece of this planet though. I do happen to have a long, personal history with Angels, but even historically their choices are not ones I approve of. Look at what they do in the bible; Angels frighten. They use their presence and abilities to scare people into believing. That's what Cas did to Dean, and what Uriel did to you. I don't believe in frightening people. It's why I typically choose not to reveal myself unless necessary. With Angels, the reveal is step one. Angels don't exactly give people choices either, they insist. You are already familiar with that. The reality is that very few angels have helped people or answered prayers simply to be good. It's either part of God's plan, or it's not. There is no gray area. And failing to fall in line, well, it's essentially treason, and it practically carries a death sentence."

Sam listened carefully, especially since Jen spoke more freely than he expected her to. This was probably the most information she had given him on any topic, so he didn't want to say anything that might cause her to clam up again. Once she finished though, there was silence for a minute. Sam finally spoke.

"I think I see your point," he said quietly. Still, he couldn't help thinking that he had believed in Angels for so long, and he wasn't the only one in the family.

_"You know Mom used to tell me every night before I went to sleep?_"_ Dean said to Sam. "She told me there were Angels watching over me."_

Sam swallowed hard through the lump forming in his throat. "So Mom was wrong, and I was wrong." Sam pressed his lips together, blinking to try and keep the tears back. There was so much going on around and within Sam, he just felt more confused by the minute. Jen reached over and took his hand, and Sam squeezed her hand hard, working to maintain composure. He kept speaking, even though he couldn't keep his voice from trembling.

"Nothing makes sense right now. I have powers from demon blood, but I can use them to save people, but the Angels don't want me to use them, but it turns out Angels aren't really interested in helping people anyway."

"Well, they are interested in helping the human race, usually, just not individuals." Jen gently corrected.

"I'm sorry," Sam looked at Jen, the tears in his eyes finally slipping down his cheeks. "I can't see that big. I just see people, and I've lost so many people that I just … I can't stand it anymore."

Sam released Jen, and dropped his head into his hands, unable to speak for a moment. Jen's hand rubbed back and forth across his shoulders. He whispered through the tears. "I can't lose anyone else. I can't. And Lillith is still out there, killing other people's loved ones, and starting the apocalypse" Sam picked his head up and looked at Jen. "I can stop her still; I know I can."

His eyes pleaded with Jen for an affirmative response. He needed to do this, and needed support. Jen never truly took sides, though, especially in matters of life and death. It was the one thing about Jen that always bothered Sam. This time, she just furrowed her brow at him, and then softened and put her hand to his cheek.

"Oh, Sam."

Sam looked at Jen, and the confusion and grief surfaced again at her touch. "I thought I would feel better after all this time. Why don't I feel better? It's like Jess and Dad just died." _And Dean_ Sam thought silently. Even though his brother was back, those four months of his life still seemed to have a traumatic hold that Sam couldn't break. Jen's clear, dark eyes met his tear-filled ones.

"Time may be linear, but grief is not."

It was a typical Jen saying, but Sam understood her. Sometimes, he would feel okay, and sometimes he would feel like this. Jen took her hand away from his face and wrapped her arms around him. He grabbed her back and held on as the pain finally took over, and he continued to hold on until it faded again.

Finally, Sam really did feel better. He still didn't know what he was going to do, but right now, he didn't need to think about it. Jen looked around.

"It's getting late. We should get back."

Sam nodded and the two made their way back through the woods, arriving just as the sun was going down.

* * *

><p><p>

Dean was amazed at how fast the day had gone. Bobby and he had successfully started up the T-Bird and even had taken it for a quick spin. Dinner was delicious, as usual with Jen cooking, and she even managed to produce pie for dessert, which Dean had thirds of.

As the dinner conversation slowed, and the night got late, Dean's thoughts began to drift again to his mother. He took a sip of beer and glanced at his brother during a lull and could tell that Sam was thinking about Jess. Dean looked across the table at Jen and she nodded at him. She knew. Jen always knew.

"You know, I think it's about time to wrap this up." Jen finally spoke. No one disagreed and Bobby and Dean started getting dishes out of the way. Sam looked like he wanted to help, hesitated, and then quickly disappeared off toward the bedroom instead. Dean and Jen caught each other's eyes once again.

"Go." Dean nodded toward the door. Jen quickly turned and was gone. Dean spun back around again and Bobby was staring at him. Dean shrugged at Bobby. "What?"

"What are you still doing in here? Get your ass out of my kitchen!" Bobby swatted at Dean with a towel.

Dean knew what Bobby was trying to get him to do, and Dean didn't know if he was ready for that. He'd been doing such a great job of avoiding the problem all day. He paused, looking at Bobby. Bobby wasn't about to take no for an answer. "Out."

Dean threw his hands up. "Okay, okay, I'm gone."

Dean took his time heading to the bedroom, not knowing what state he'd find his brother in. When he did arrive at the door he was surprised to hear Jen laugh. He popped his head in the door, and he found the two sitting together on the far bed. Jen had her arm looped around Sam's shoulders, and he was brushing tears off his cheeks, but both were smiling. It wasn't quite what Dean was expecting. Jen looked up at Dean, and he shrugged.

"Bobby kicked me out."

Jen smiled at Dean and nodded to the space next to her. "Join us." Dean came over and took a seat, back up against the wall. Jen slipped her hand into his and squeezed. Sam glanced at his brother and spoke.

"Dean? Tell me about mom, when she was young, you know, from the past. Please?"

Dean swallowed hard as his eyes filled with tears at Sam's request. "Wow, Mom, she was … well …" Dean's throat got tight and he couldn't continue.

Jen spoke instead. "I can show him instead, your memories, I mean." She said quietly. "If that's okay with you, Dean."

Dean nodded and shut his eyes against the tears. Jen squeezed his hand tightly, and soon Dean was remembering his dinner with Mary, Deanna, and Samuel in 1973. He heard Sam whisper. "Mom!" Then both were silent, watching, remembering.

* * *

><p><p>

Jen was careful with the memories of the past. She knew Sam wanted so much to see his parents, but she didn't want to risk sending either Sam or Dean into a downward emotional spiral at this point. The day was almost over, and they had done so well. She chose an easy, fun memory. It seemed to work out.

They had just about made it through this difficult day, and only the final minutes remained. Jen smiled to herself. Then she began to sing.

_I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason,  
>bringing something we must learn, and we are led to those who help us most to grow<br>If we let them, and we help them in return  
>Now I don't know if I believe that's true<br>But I know I'm who I am today, because I knew you_

_Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes the sun  
>Like a stream that meets a boulder, halfway through the wood<br>Who can say if I've been changed for the better  
>But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good<em>

At the end of the song, both Sam and Dean were nearly asleep leaning on Jen, and the clock ticked to 12:02.

Jen nudged the boys. "Okay, time to actually go to bed." She said gently moving them in the right directions. Dean sleepily got up and stumbled over to his bed. Sam lay down and pulled the blankets around him. Jen got up and turned away from Sam. He grabbed her hand as she did, and she spun back and kneeled down beside him.

"You sang that with Jess, didn't you?" Sam whispered, eyes still bright with tears.

Jen smiled gently. She wasn't sure he would remember, especially since he missed the final performance while he was out with Dean. "Yes, I did, in the last concert in October."

"You knew, didn't you, that something was going to happen to her."

"Not exactly, but I had a feeling."

"Thank you. For choosing that." Sam said, finally closing his eyes and drifting off.

Jen crossed the room to Dean, who was still just barely awake, but clearly waiting for Jen. She smiled at him.

"Yes?"

"I just want to say thank you, you know, for everything." He said, shutting his eyes.

"I'm always here for you, as long as you want me." Jen reminded Dean gently as he fell asleep and she snuck out of the room, shutting the door. She met Bobby in the kitchen, and he handed her a beer, which she gratefully accepted.

"A toast." He said holding his beer up. Jen smiled and clinked hers against his. "Another November 2nd over," Bobby finished. The two drank in silence, enough had been said around there for a whole year.


	8. Wishful Thinking

Dean walked away from Sam, leaving him bewildered. He wasn't expecting that type of reaction out of his brother, it was too simple, too emotionless. He could tell that Dean wasn't handling this, and telling Sam not to get involved was in no way going to help this run of denial and drinking that Dean was clearly on.

Suddenly, Jen was there. Sam turned to her. Jen and Dean had a very different rapport then Sam and Dean did, so maybe she was handling this. Sam questioned her sharply.

"Is he at least talking to _you_ about this?"

Jen met Sam's eyes for a moment and then looked away.

"Not … directly."

Sam frowned. That was not what he wanted to hear. One of them had to do something with Dean. He couldn't just act like everything was cool forever. Four months of hell had to be pretty traumatic. Sam sighed.

"This can't be good for him."

Jen shrugged. "This has always been Dean's way of handling things, and in some ways it works for him. I can't force him to talk about things he doesn't want to."

"But bottling things up and trying to drown them in whiskey is just going to kill him!"

Jen spoke quietly, looking up at Sam. "That's not the entire picture."

Sam's eyebrows crunched together as he looked at Jen. Of course, she always knows more than she says. Still, this was important; he had to understand what was going on. "Then tell me what I'm missing."

Jen sighed and looked at Sam sadly. He could read in her expression that she was pleading with him not to have this conversation with her. He pressed his lips together trying to contain the anger that was boiling up inside him. He hated being left out of things, especially this kind of huge thing. It was just like when they were kids and Dad would tell Dean everything, and they lied to Sam. They weren't kids anymore and Sam didn't need to be protected. He crossed his arms and spat his words at Jen who remained silently watching him.

"Right, you can't."

Sam turned to walk away, but Jen grabbed his hand. He turned back toward her. She spoke quietly, but firmly.

"Sam, do you trust me?" He looked into Jen's eyes. It was so hard to be mad at her when she had done so much for them over the years. He softened at her words.

"Yes, I trust you."

"Then trust me about this."

Sam sighed. He squeezed Jen's hand. "Okay."

Her eyes flashed a smile at him as he dropped her hand, and followed Dean back to the car. He just wished he could do more.

* * *

><p><p>

Sam was awoken in the middle of the night by rustling in the bed across the room, Dean's bed. He pushed himself up on his elbow and shot a concerned look toward his brother. However, his eyes met Jen's standing over Dean. She put her finger to her lips. _Shhhh_. The message was loud and clear to Sam. This was what he wanted to know and what she couldn't tell him outright. Sam lay back down, pulled the covers up, and kept one eye open to watch.

Jen sat up on Dean's bed and waited for the nightmare to wake him. It didn't take long before Dean sat straight up with a shocked look on his face. Jen quickly put a hand on his back. For a moment Dean stayed still as his eyes scanned the room. Sam made sure to remain completely still. The ruse appeared to fool Dean as he soon moved his hand to his mouth as tears began to fall from his eyes. Jen put her arm around Dean's shoulders and pulled him toward her.

Sam had seen enough. He shut his eyes and tried not to consider what Dean must go through dealing with his time in Hell. Tears pushed against Sam's eyes just thinking about it. He tried to just fall back asleep.

Sam did sleep a bit longer, and the next time he woke it was due to Jen sitting beside him. She took his hand hers and squeezed it gently.

_He's asleep again._ He voice echoed in Sam's head. Sam responded silently.

_I'm sorry that I doubted you._

_He doesn't want you to know. He doesn't want you to worry._

Sam sighed. When was Dean going to learn that Sam would always worry? 

_Is there anything I can do for him?_

Jen shook her head. _You know, a lot happened while you were apart that you both still don't know about each other._

Sam knew what Jen meant. He was getting mad at Dean for not talking about his time in Hell, but he still hadn't told Dean very much about him and Ruby during the time Dean was gone. Tears filled Sam's eyes again.

_I know._

Jen bent over and whispered in Sam's ear. "He's going to be okay, Sam." Then she squeezed his hand again and stood up and vanished.

Sam looked over at Dean again. He knew he should trust Jen, but he still worried about it. He couldn't help thinking still about when Jen had said: that they still didn't know so much. Well, Sam couldn't get Dean to talk to him, but Sam could tell Dean what happened while he was gone. The next time, that's what Sam would do.

Sam concluded his thoughts to himself with a tense nod before relaxing back into bed and drifting off to sleep.


	9. I Know What You Did, Heaven and Hell

As Sam told Dean the story, he almost cringed a little thinking about the part he was leaving out, but he couldn't talk about it. He couldn't. He looked at Dean when he was done, and Dean paused, taking it all in.

Jen appeared behind Dean. She looked directly at Sam. He directed his thoughts to her.

_Tell him the rest later, when I'm not around. _

Jen nodded and then she was gone.

It wasn't that Sam didn't want Dean to know. He just couldn't tell him. She could. It was her part of the story after all.

* * *

><p><p>

Dean was only about twenty minutes out of Bobby's place on the way to get Pamela when Jen appeared in the passenger seat. Dean shot Jen a weak smile.

"You come to keep me company?"

"That, and something else."

Dean crunched his brow trying to think why else Jen would be there. "Oh?"

"There was an … omission … in Sam's story. I know you noticed it."

"You mean: you." It was true; Dean had picked up on the fact that Sam hadn't mentioned Jen once. He didn't ask about it. Considering what Sam did tell him, if he left that part out, it must have been pretty bad.

"I was initially called away. My superiors barely let us put you in the ground before requesting my presence to determine what should happen next. There was considerable debate as to what role I should play being that things hadn't turned out the way we hoped. I pushed to be allowed to stay completely involved, and after some time that was permitted. However, by that point Ruby had already reappeared."

"But, you were there after that? What happened?"

Jen sighed and paused for a moment. Then, she began the story.

* * *

><p><p>

[May]

Jen was waiting for Sam when he returned after kicking Ruby out of his car. She looked at him from the center of the room as his eyes widened and he dropped the Impala keys, nearly running to her.

"You came back." He barely was able to speak as he wrapped his arms around her squeezing tightly.

"I told you I would." Jen was relieved that she could keep her promise, at least for a while. She knew Sam needed her now more than ever. Tears were already falling from Sam's eyes onto Jen's shoulder and she held him tightly, doing what she could.

Sam managed to whisper. "Ruby."

"I know." Jen replied. She had already seen what happened the moment Sam touched her. It made her nervous. She was certain she could handle Sam on his own, but Ruby could present complications. She couldn't think about that now. Sam was drunk, tired, and going to fall apart from grief and fatigue if Jen didn't take some action.

She spoke softly in Sam's ear. "Come sit." And she gently pulled him toward the bed. Quickly enough, the fatigue began to overwhelm the grief, and Sam was soon falling asleep. A gently melody took care of the rest, and then Sam was unconscious on the bed. Jen sat beside him, keeping watch. It was the only thing she could do.

Sam woke just a couple of hours later. Unfortunately, he was in a different mindset this time. He wasn't up for long before he began pacing and asking questions.

"There has to be a way to get Dean back. I'm willing to go, but they aren't willing to take me. Still, there has to be some other way to get souls back from Hell."

Jen sighed. "It's nearly impossible. There are very few beings that are permitted to enter and leave Hell at will, even fewer that could take someone out with them."

"What about a Devil's Gate, right? That's how Dad got out."

"Even if you found a Devil's Gate, Dean wouldn't stay here, on Earth. You know that."

Sam sank back onto the bed. He nodded. Jen sat beside him and put her hand on his shoulder. She nearly flinched at the intensity of Sam's running emotions, but managed to maintain her own steady composure.

Sam looked over at Jen. "What about Lillith? We could go after her. This was her doing. Ruby said I have some kind of power, and Lillith couldn't hurt me before, right? We should look for Lillith. Make her pay for Dean."

Sam jumped up and headed toward his computer. Jen remained on the bed. She knew this was a bad idea.

"Sam, vengeance isn't going to bring Dean back." She spoke quietly, but she knew he heard her. He stopped typing and paused for a moment. Then he looked up at her.

"It will make me feel better."

Jen shook her head. "No. It won't do that either. I should know. I've seen centuries of people trying to use vengeance as a means for closure. It doesn't bring closure or peace or much more than a brief moment of triumph followed by the same despair that was never dealt with. There are other things you can do. Find cases. Save people. That's what you should think about Sam."

Jen hoped she could get through to Sam, but she could feel him push her words away. He pushed her out of his head. Then he stood up and walked across the room, away from Jen.

"No. You're wrong. You don't understand. You're not even human."

This was not going well. "I've been with humans for years. I feel human emotions. I know what I'm talking about."

Sam was silent, ignoring Jen. She continued.

"Sam, I will help you do what you want as best I can. I can't tell you something will make you feel better when it won't, though. I won't lie to you."

"I know, I mean … just forget it, you know what? I think I just want to be alone for a while, okay? Just leave me alone."

"Sam … are you sure?"

"Go, please."

Jen couldn't disobey a direct order like that from Sam, even though she knew it was a bad idea. She looked at Sam sadly catching his green eyes full of tears for a moment.

"Call me, when you need me." Sam nodded almost imperceptively, and then Jen removed herself to a faraway place.

She looked out over Shannon's Pot, her pond, her home. She could wait. He would call.

* * *

><p><p>

He did, in fact, call, but the circumstances were not what Jen was hoping for.

"So, I thought I should let you know that Ruby's back. She wants to help me. She wants to kill Lillith and she'll teach me to use my powers to do it. I still think it's the best idea."

Jen was alarmed at how easily Sam seemed to have been taken in by Ruby. Something else troubled her too; there was a block in Sam's thoughts. There was something he didn't want her to know.

"Ruby is a demon, you know. I'm not sure she wants the best for you."

Sam narrowed his eyes at Jen. "You can't read her thoughts, right? You really don't have any idea what she wants? Who's to say that she's not pissed at Lillith too for sending her back to Hell?"

Jen sighed. "No, I can't read her thoughts. Still, I've been studying people for thousands of years, and there's something wrong with this."

"People? You mean humans. Well, Ruby isn't human, is she? So, maybe your radar is off this time."

Jen looked at Sam, eyes pleading with him to listen. "I told you before that revenge is not the answer. I'm not going to stop you from working with Ruby, but, could we try this my way for a while first?"

Sam's eyes flashed with a sudden anger and then he shut completely off from Jen and all she heard was silence from his mind.

"Your way?" Sam scoffed and smiled looking around to no one in particular. "You mean sitting around talking about how much this sucks instead of trying to do something about it? Yeah, I don't think so."

Jen remained calm as she walked up to Sam and placed her hand on her arm. "I want you to deal with what happened, not push it aside just to have it come back later after you've done something you regret."

Sam kept his eyes away from Jen's and spoke quietly but solidly. "I won't regret killing Lillith."

Jen could tell Sam was fighting tears, but she couldn't seem to break through. She tried one more time. "Sam …"

He cut her off before she could even begin her newest plea, shaking her hand off his arm and turning to her. "I'm going to do this my way, and right now, my way is Ruby's way. So, are you going to help me, or not?"

"I can't work with Ruby. You know that."

"Yeah, I guess I do."

"I'll still be here, if you want me."

Sam just nodded at Jen, the tears beginning to show in his eyes now. Still, Jen couldn't stay if Sam wouldn't listen, and he had made it very clear what his intentions were. She knew that this would mean reassignment for sure now. She could only hope that Sam would come to his senses about Ruby, and that it would be sooner and not later.

Jen reached up and touched Sam's face for a brief moment, and then she was gone. She would find other work to do. There was always someone who needed her.

* * *

><p>Jen's story was finished and she was silent. Dean was also silent for a moment, connecting the two stories in his mind. Then he started asking questions.<p>

"So, you didn't know they were … together?"

"Not until you came back."

"And you still think she's manipulating him."

"I do."

"Well, so do I."

"He said that she saved his life. I'm convinced that she also put him in that position, creating the opportunity to gain his trust. I can't tell him that though, he wouldn't listen."

"I could."

Jen shook her head. "No. The bond is too strong right now. He wouldn't listen to you either."

Dean banged the steering wheel. "Goddamn it, Sam! Why are you so stupid?" He glanced over at Jen. "What can we do?"

"I don't know, Dean. I really don't know."

Dean had never seen Jen so sad or defeated. He knew how much she cared about Sam, beyond her mission, and he knew that this must be killing her, that she couldn't do anything. She lost to a low-level demon. Dean slowed the Impala and pulled off the road, putting the car into park. Then he turned to Jen, grabbing her in a sudden hug that seemed to surprise even her. She returned his hold.

"What's this for?" She asked.

"You needed it." Dean replied.

"Thank you."

Their embrace lasted just a moment longer. Jen remained looking at Dean after they let go.

"So, now you know what happened to us, but Sam still doesn't know what happened to you."

Dean turned away from Jen. He knew that was coming. Still, the last thing he wanted to do was talk about Hell. He shrugged.

"Yeah, I know."

"He deserves to know, Dean. He would understand better."

Dean's eyes filled with tears at the thought, but he blinked them back. Jen carefully took his hand and he squeezed her fingers tightly. Slowly, Dean nodded. He had been putting it off too long already, and Sam had been asking questions.

"Okay. Okay, I will."

Jen smiled at Dean and gave his hand one more squeeze. Then, she was gone.

* * *

><p><p>

Dean couldn't stop the tears as he talked to Sam. In a way, he didn't want to. He deserved this pain. He brought it upon himself.

_It's not your fault._ Jen's voice echoed in his head as she appeared beside him grasping his hand in hers.

_I made the choice, and I tortured those people. That is the definition of 'my fault'. _Dean responded silently, squeezing Jen's hand tightly. This wasn't the first time they had had this conversation. Dean refused to give in and Jen refused to give up. Still, this wasn't the time and they both knew it. It wasn't the time for anything, actually. Their conversation was over. Dean used Jen's strength to pull himself back together. Then, he dropped her hand with a silent thanks and she was gone. Dean stood up.

"Okay. I'm done talking about this. Let's go."

Sam silently complied. Dean knew he wouldn't ask. Not this time. Not about this.

They drove away in silence.


	10. Family Remains

Sam flopped back into the backseat again as Dean jotted down some pertinent notes on the Nebraska case. A few moments later, Dean heard a soft snore coming from his brother, and then, Jen's voice.

"He's right, you know."

Dean furrowed his brow, still staring at the paper, and pointed at Jen who had appeared beside him.

"Oh no. We discussed this. I am not sharing any feelings or talking anything out, no matter what Sam says."

Jen was silent for a moment, and then she spoke again.

"You should sleep."

Dean sighed. Jen had been great about letting Dean handle this his way, or at least, some combination of their two ways. She didn't push him and she didn't drill him with questions. That helped. Still, she did what she could get away with, and gently forcing him to get some sleep was one of those things.

"I know. I know." Dean rolled up the paper and the notes and shoved them down in the door pocket. He took a deep breath. Dean didn't like sleeping anymore. If he could stay focused and busy, he could avoid it all, but the moment he shut his eyes and tried to clear his mind, it was all right there: the pain, the torture, the pleasure, the guilt. If he took a couple of shots before bed, he could keep it at bay, so that's what he did most of the time. It worked again in the morning when the nightmares would wake him up. Jen couldn't be there all the time, so whiskey was a good back-up.

However, Jen was there tonight, and she didn't like the drinking. Since Sam was snoring again anyway, Dean figured he might as well give in to Jen's way this time. He looked over at her, trying to approximate his brother's patented puppy-dog eyes. "Sing something?"

Jen smiled. "Of course."

Having taken care of that detail, Dean adjusted himself sideways in the seat and lay down, head in Jen's lap, as she began.

"Goodnight my angel time to close your eyes, and save these questions for another day …"

Dean tried to focus on Jen's melody, but as usual, the memories surfaced, forcing themselves to the front of Dean's mind. Tears filled his eyes and a few slipped out though he kept his eyes shut as tightly as he could. Jen continued to sing even as she gently ran her fingers through Dean's hair. The next image hit his mind's eye and he shuddered through a clenched sob, but that ended up being the worst of it. He could tell she was helping him somewhat. The memories were more faded than they were without her, easier to push aside. After only another minute or two of images and sensations, everything began to fade as Dean truly began to lose consciousness, drifting into a deep sleep. The last thing he heard before he was out was Jen's voice inside his head. "Sleep well, Dean."

Jen was gone before the boys awoke in the morning. Then they headed out to Nebraska, intending to burn a ghost.

* * *

><p>Sam thought that he would be able to handle this, but he wasn't, and Jen could tell. Hours after Dean's latest confession to enjoying torture, Dean was flirting with every available woman in the bar that were hanging in, and Sam was playing around with the half-full bottle of his first beer of the evening, mind racing. Jen decided that something had to be done.<p>

Her first stop upon entering the bar was Dean who was at the bar buying a drink for a cute redhead.

"Hey, don't I know you?" Jen spoke flirtatiously, placing a hand on Dean's arm. Then she focused her thoughts into Dean's mind.

_I'm taking Sam for a walk. Don't worry about us, just stay here and enjoy yourself. This one really likes you._

Jen spoke again before Dean could respond to anything. "Oh, no, I'm sorry. Thought you were someone else." Then Jen swiftly moved toward Sam in the back. He was tipping his beer bottle back and forth, lost in thought. Jen sat across from him.

"Do you usually sit alone?"

Sam startled a second, nearly letting the beer fall over, as his head shot up, then he gave Jen a half-smile.

"Only when you aren't around to join me." He replied.

"You want to take a walk?" Jen asked simply.

Sam's brow furrowed. "Dean?"

"He's in the midst of seduction, so I think he'll be busy for a while."

Sam nodded sharply. "Then, yeah, a walk sounds great." Sam looked at his beer and then tipped it back and downed it with a slight grimace.

The two headed through the crowd and out the door. Jen took the lead, swinging a left, and led Sam to a small open space with a few trees and benches.

Sam started asking questions before they even got there.

"How long have you know? What he did? What it was like?"

Jen noticed Sam's deliberate avoidance of the word Hell.

"From the first time I saw him when he returned. He hasn't hidden anything from me."

Sam scoffed. "Lucky you."

Jen stopped and turned to Sam. "He doesn't have to talk about it to me."

Sam looked over at Jen and met eyes for a moment. His anger calmed. He understood. "I guess that's true."

They walked a little bit longer in silence.

"I can't believe he was there for forty years. I mean, he was … there longer than he was alive here."

"Yes, that's right."

"And thirty years of torture? I can't even imagine."

"I'm not sure anyone could."

Sam stopped again. Jen turned and looked back at him, waiting.

"But, I don't understand how he could have enjoyed torturing. I understand getting off the rack, but what he said earlier, it just … doesn't … that's not Dean. It just isn't."

Jen looked at Sam sadly. She knew that was the thing that would get to Sam, but she wouldn't have been able to stop Dean from talking about it anyway. He needed to say that for himself. That left Jen to explain to Sam.

"Sam, it's much more complicated than what you heard. The emotions involved in that kind of situation are almost impossible to parse down to something simple like 'enjoying' torturing. Think about this: you were hurt, and you want to kill Lillith, and not just kill her, right? You want to see her suffer?"

"That's different. She's the one who took him."

"But, you would probably also take out all her demon minions and anyone who got in the way, right? Would you say that's accurate?"

Sam looked away. Jen knew she was right, but Sam didn't want to think about himself that way. Jen continued.

"Dean was in Hell. It's not like most of the people down there were stellar citizens. Most of them sold their souls for power, money, or to hurt people. It was the only outlet he had. It felt like pleasure to him, but really, it was just self-justified revenge and survival."

If there was one thing Sam typically responded to, it was a good psychoanalysis. Jen had made him stop and think now and brought him out of the knee jerk reaction. He was silent for another moment and kicked the ground as they walked.

"I just thought that when he came back that things would be the way they were. Dean would be himself, and we would be a team again."

He paused in front a park bench and turned to look out over the empty space. Jen remained silent, things were swirling in Sam's head too fast to get ahead of, so she just listened.

"I tried so hard to get him back. I tried to make deals. I tried spells. Then, he's finally here, and it was supposed to be everything I wanted."

Sam sank back onto the bench and leaned forward, head in his hands.

"I wanted my brother back, but it's like a part of him is still in the pit, and probably always will be. They still managed to keep him from me. They still win. She still wins."

"That's not true, Sam." Jen knelt in front of Sam, taking his hands and forcing him to look her in the eyes. She knew that part of what Sam was saying was true, but she had to be the voice of confidence if Sam was going to get over this. She needed Sam to get over it. She needed the two of them together. "Dean is back and he has put as much of Hell behind him as he can. Sure, he won't be exactly the same, but it's still Dean."

Sam shook his head. "He's so different. He over-analyzes. He hesitates." Sam sighed and looked up at Jen. "I just don't know if I can count on him."

Jen remained silent. She knew there wasn't anything she could say to convince Sam. Too much happened while the three were apart; too many things changed.

She moved beside Sam on the bench and placed her hand on his back.

"Try, Sam. He needs you."

Sam nodded. "Okay. I'll try. I will."

Jen smiled at Sam and wrapped her arms around him in a hug.

* * *

><p>Jen listened carefully as they walked back to the bar. Sam had been too quiet lately, and she was curious about that. She reached out carefully feeling into his mind. Then she found it: a wall. It was thin, but carefully constructed, probably helped along by Ruby. Sam was blocking things from her, and she wasn't sure what to do about it. She wasn't sure there was anything she could do about it.<p>

_Please, Sam, stay away from Ruby_. Jen could direct this request to Sam's subconscious, but she couldn't be certain it would ever be heard. All she could do was hope and worry. Maybe it would be enough.


	11. Criss Angel is a Douchebag

Dean headed back to the motel still concerned about Sam, who had gone off on his own. His concern did not diminish when he saw Jen sitting on Sam's bed in the motel room waiting.

"You're not with Sam?" Dean asked.

Jen looked away instead of answering right away. Dean took the opportunity to sit down beside Jen on the bed.

"I don't know where he is. We've been drifting apart for a while. I'm not sure I ever really got him back completely from when you were gone. Lately, it's been getting worse again, though. He's nearly closed himself off to me."

Dean sighed. He could see that Jen and Sam weren't as close as they were before, but he didn't realize how far they had gotten. He looked over at Jen, but her gaze was adrift out into nothing. He had never seen her look so lost before.

"Jen?" He questioned, trying to get her attention back from wherever she had drifted off to.

She turned to meet Dean's gaze at her name, and gave him a small smile. "It's okay. I'll be fine. I'm just worried about Sam."

Dean nodded. "You and me both."

For a moment the two sat in silence. Then Dean stood up from the bed and turned to Jen.

"Well, I, for one, would like a beer. Why don't we go have some beer." He smiled at her, trying to pull out as much charm as he could. Jen smiled up at him.

"Yes. I think some beer would be an excellent idea."

She rose up slowly and moved toward Dean, and he offered his arm to escort her. She took it and then headed out the door in search of libation.

Dean knew it was only a short term solution, but they didn't have anything else.


	12. After School Special

Sam walked out of the school for the last time with Mr. Wyatt's words ringing in his head: "Are you happy, Sam?"

He wasn't. That was the problem. Hell, Sam couldn't remember the last time he would really have said he was happy. This case didn't help that, now knowing what happened to Barry and Dirk. Tears pushed into Sam's eyes and he blinked rapidly walking quickly around the corner. Somewhere in his memory banks he recalled a secluded bench, and sure enough, there it was, nestled between overgrown bushes. Sam sat back and tipped his chin up to the sky, squeezing his eyes shut as all the guilt about Barry and Dirk and Mr. Wyatt's advice surfaced and tears slipped down his cheeks.

Funny, with everything that had been going on recently, with Ruby and Dean and the seals and Angels, Sam hadn't wanted to talk to Jen, but now, with his past hitting him smack in the face, she was suddenly the only person he wanted with him. She was there back then, he knew she was. Sam can't recall having seen her, but he knew that she had been watching them all their lives, so she had to have been there. Maybe she knew something that would him feel less terrible about what happened.

He opened his eyes and whispered her name. "Jen."

A moment later she was beside him, her hand gently on his back. He reached over and grasped her other hand, squeezing it tightly.

"I shouldn't feel this bad. I mean, I barely even knew them." Sam spoke, still trying to blink back the tears that were continuing to fall slowly.

"This kind of emotion has no rules, no should's or shouldn'ts, you know that."

Sam nodded to Jen's words as his throat got tight and he tightened his lips and shut his eyes against the small shudder of his breath catching in his throat. Jen moved her arm up around Sam's shoulders and squeezed his shoulder gently. When Sam's muscles relaxed again, his eyes blinked open and the tears started falling. This time, he didn't try to stop them, and he let Jen wrap both arms around him and hold him while he cried.

Sam spoke through the tears. "You were there, weren't you? What could I have done?"

"I was there. I saw all that happened, with you and Dean, and Sam, you did the best and only things you could have done given the circumstances."

Sam sniffed. "It doesn't feel that way. It feels like I should have done something more for Barry or something different with Dirk. Like maybe they'd be alive today. Like it's somehow my fault." Sam whispered his last thought and a breath caught in his throat as a small sob.

Jen reached up and whispered in Sam's ear. "It's not your fault." Sam heard her words and then heard them echo in his head, and he knew that was Jen's doing. It began to work; the guilt started to fade taking with it the deep pit in Sam's stomach. Sam finally turned to Jen and put his arms around her holding on tightly and allowing his head to fall against her shoulder. He held to her for a few minutes longer as his composure slowly returned and whatever guilt remained retreated to a far corner of his mind.

When he finally felt okay again, he sat up and rubbed his eyes, forehead, and temples, trying to remove the traces of all these bad feelings from both his body and mind. He looked over at Jen apologetically.

"Thank you."

Jen smiled at Sam and then looked at him more seriously. "I'm still here for you, you know. Anytime you need me."

He knew what she meant. He knew that he had been pushing her away, and even after this, he still didn't want her involved in what was happening with Ruby. He simply nodded at her. "I know." He could see the sadness deep in her eyes, but he wasn't going to let her in right now. Not yet. Not until Lillith was taken care of. He quickly stood up and looked around.

"I should really get back. You want to walk with me?"

Jen's smile grew at the invitation. "Of course."

* * *

><p><p>

Sam and Jen returned to the motel together, and Dean was glad to see them walk in the door, especially Jen. Dean smiled at Jen and she returned one with a bright sparkle in her eyes. Dean could almost feel her relief that Sam allowed her to be with him for this. He didn't know if that meant things had changed completely, but he could hope. After a bit, Sam took a bathroom break, and Dean took a moment to ask Jen something he had been thinking about for most of this case.

"You were there. Weren't you?"

Jen looked at Dean and he could tell that he was right. It was only a moment, but it was one that he remembered well.

_"You don't know anything about me. I save lives. I'm a hero. A hero!" Dean shouted back to the girls in the hallway. Still their expressions were clear: they were no longer friends of his. Well, fuck them. Dean didn't need them anyway. People never understood._

_Dean reached the end of the hallway, fuming with anger and using that to push back the tears that tried to prick at his eyes. He didn't see her at first, but she reached out and grabbed his hand as he walked past. He turned to look at whoever dared to touch him and was shocked to see a girl about his age._

_She had long, dark brown hair and dark eyes that stared right into him and Dean couldn't look away. _

_"I believe you." She spoke quietly._

_"What?" Dean replied, still in shock._

_"That you're a hero. I believe you." Her eyes remained locked on him for another couple of seconds, and then she released his hand and turned away down the hallway. Dean didn't move for a moment, and then when he came back to his senses he walked toward the hallway she had turned down, but she was gone._

_Dean's phone rang. It was his father._

Dean looked as Jen as he recalled what happened and he knew she saw as well.

"That was you, wasn't it?" Dean asked, though he was already convinced.

Jen nodded. "Yes. That was me."

Tears slipped into Dean's eyes but didn't fall and he reached to Jen and wrapped his arms around her in a hug. "Thank you. That meant a lot to me." He only held her for a second and then let go. This wasn't something he wanted Sam to ask about, and Jen understood that.

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry I've been away for so long, life is, well, life, you know.<strong>


	13. Sex and Violence

Sam looked over at Dean. "Ok. So...so we're good?"

Dean paused a beat. They were certainly not _good_, but that was Sam's way of ending it. Sam didn't want to talk about what happened and what he said, and you know what, Dean wasn't sure he did either.

"Yeah, we're good." Dean spoke then quickly moved to get in the Impala. They drove off, away to somewhere. Dean didn't know where yet, just away from here. He pushed down on the accelerator and sped down the road.

He hadn't been able to stop thinking about what Sam had said.

_Because you're too weak to go after her, Dean. You're holding me back … You're not standin' in my way, anymore!_

The thing was, Dean knew that he hadn't lied at all while under the siren's spell. He did feel like the Sam he knew was gone, there were too many secrets. That made him believe that Sam had told the truth too, and furthermore, Dean knew it. He knew he was different since Hell. It didn't make him a worse hunter though, it didn't. It couldn't. Sam might believe otherwise, but Sam was wrong. He had to be wrong.

Dean clenched his jaw and glanced up in the rearview mirror and saw dark eyes looking at him from the backseat, Jen's eyes. Dean glanced behind him but the seat was empty. He glanced at the mirror again, and there she was. She gave him a small smile. He felt a little better.

Jen had practically saved their lives on this one. She led Bobby to them just in time, and Dean knew that she came very, very close to breaking the rules to do it. She was around last night, but with Bobby crashing with them, and everyone exhausted, there wasn't much she could do. Still, Dean knew she was always watching.

It was a quiet drive. They stopped a couple of times for food and to check out local papers, trolling for the next crazy event. Nothing popped up, and they landed for the evening in nowhere Nebraska. They funded dinner on a few rounds of pool, and then headed back to the motel room relatively early, or at least before midnight.

Sam hopped on the computer, but Dean's mind was still racing.

"I'm going out for a walk." He announced. Sam barely nodded at him. He grabbed his jacket and headed out. It didn't take long for Jen to fall into step beside him. Dean spoke without looking at her.

"He's right, you know. I'm not the hunter I was before the pit."

"Different doesn't necessarily imply worse."

"It sure feels that way sometimes." Dean stopped and lifted his hands running them through his hair. There had been a pit in his stomach ever since the siren died, and now the pit was settling in and working towards Dean's chest and throat, tightening everything as tears pushed into his eyes. "I just wish I knew if he really meant that, if he really thinks that I'm weak. Does he really think I'm holding him back?"

Dean turned to Jen, asking silently for her to tell him what's going on inside his brother's head, because fuck if he could figure it out. He could see in her eyes, though, that she didn't know any better than him. He turned away and started walking again.

Tears filled Dean's eyes and his chin trembled as he walked. Tears escaped down his cheeks and he wiped them away, still moving. He looked up again and through blurry vision he saw Jen now standing a few feet in front of him. He stopped and looked at her. She remained still and silent.

"We tried to kill each other, Jen. How could we let that happen? How could I let that happen?"

"You didn't let anything happen Dean. You just couldn't stop it."

Dean shook his head. She always said things like that, but it was so hard not to feel terrible about what happened.

"That doesn't change the fact that it did happen. It doesn't change the fact that Sam is hiding something, from both of us, and it sure as fuck doesn't make anything better."

Dean shouted at Jen as tears began to stream down his cheeks again. She ignored his shouts and stepped toward him, wrapping her arms around him. Dean finally gave into his own emotions and held Jen tightly, burying his head in her shoulder.

He hated this. This was exactly the kind of reaction that made him believe what Sam said.

_You're too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, whining about all the souls you tortured in Hell, boo-hoo._

Jen voice echoed in Dean's ear. "Sam doesn't understand. He's still so young, especially compared to you."

Dean knew what she meant. His forty years in Hell had put a number of rifts between him and Sam, and the time difference was one that Dean felt far too often.

No. Dean had to pull himself together. This was unacceptable and not helping.

"Shhhh." Jen whispered in his ear. It felt like a breeze through his head, but it did seem to blow away the tightness and allow Dean to regain control. As he wiped his face, he looked up at Jen.

"What can I do?"

Jen sighed. "I don't know, Dean. We'll just have to wait and see."

"But, you'll …?"

"Yes, I'll be here, with you, even if Sam won't let me in."

Dean nodded. He could do this. He had to do this.

"Okay, thanks."

Jen smiled as she began to fade into the night. "Always."


	14. Death Takes a Holiday

Pamela died a hunter's death, and Bobby and the boys prepared a hunter's funeral.

Sam was going through all the typical motions of doing what needed to be done, but he was still pondering what Pamela had said to him. Just before he wrapped her up, he looked at her face once more, her eyelids shut over the wooden balls in the empty sockets.

_I can't just stop now. I'm getting stronger. I can do this, I can kill demons and save people. I saved Dean._

Sam looked over at his brother. Dean had been uncharacteristically quiet since he'd woken up and Pamela had died. Sam wondered what had happened to Dean while he was alone with Tessa. He had asked him, but Dean said nothing important. Sam knew that Dean was lying, but he was too wrapped up in his stuff to really deal with it, plus, Jen could handle Dean. Sam glanced around for her.

Jen was standing just behind Dean. She had been hovering over both boys the whole time. Sam knew she was. She hadn't remained visible this long in a while. She even drove with them in the car to get here. He didn't know if she was doing that for him or for Dean. He expected both.

Sam kept avoiding Jen's gaze. He was pretty sure that she knew what Pamela said to him, he had a feeling Pamela would have broadcast it to Jen even though Sam wasn't telling her much of anything. Surface emotions, and even those he sometimes hid. He knew it wasn't right, but he couldn't look at Jen if she knew everything he was doing.

They were done.

"I'll get Bobby." Dean said as he left the garage and disappeared into the house. Jen stayed with Sam. She looked up at him. She had good reason to be worried about him. Other than the obvious being on edge lately while hiding his demon blood escapades, something about Pamela's death hit him harder than he expected. He barely remembered how it started or what he said in the flurry of anger that ended with a few pillows being thrown across the room and him storming out to the car. By the time Jen caught up with him, he was calm, and fortunately she didn't ask him why he did that, because he still wasn't sure. He had just exhausted himself exorcising the demon, and Pamela's death and Dean's return meant that Cole had also gone, reminding Sam that he had lied to the boy. He also felt partially responsible for Pamela's death. He agreed to his brother's crazy plan and brought her in.

_But we saved the seal. Damn it! Why are these decisions so damn hard? Lose lives now to save more later, just keep remembering that._

Sam glanced up and saw that Jen was still standing there watching him. He tried to give her a half smile. Her face remained expressionless.

"All right, let's get this thing done." Bobby's voice boomed into the garage as he and Dean came to the door. Sam started moving quickly and Jen stepped back again. The three of them moved the body outside to the pyre.

Bobby lit the matches and set the body aflame, then he stepped back next to Sam. Jen stood on the other side of Sam with Dean next to her. Dean stared firmly at Pamela's body. His mind was racing. He felt incredibly guilty for starting this whole thing with Pamela, Castiel burning out her eyes that first time. He felt even worse for asking her to help them out this time.

He was also wrestling with Tessa's words to him. He had already been dealing with the fact that he has never felt worthy of being rescued from Hell. Now to have Tessa suggest to him that the reason for it isn't altogether good, he had no idea where to go with this, what to think.

_Why is Pamela dead? She was a good person and now she's gone because of me,, and I tortured hundreds of souls in Hell, and I'm still here, and I don't even know what for. To be some Angel's tool. It's not fair. It's just not fair._

"This is bullshit." Dean said, pursing his lips. His chin trembled and tears filled his eyes. He couldn't do this. Not here. Not in front of Sammy. He already saw Dean as weak, this would just be icing on the cake. "Fuck it." Dean turned and started walking out into the woods.

Bobby and Sam both looked at him, and then at each other, and then at Jen. Jen was still watching Dean walk away. Slowly she turned back to Sam and Bobby and nodded, then turned and slowly followed Dean.

Dean started walking faster, he had to be out of sight, but where could he go? At about a hundred feet away he stopped. It was dark, he didn't want to go much further into the woods. He looked back toward the pyre. Bobby and Sam were watching Pamela's body burn, _but where was Jen?_

"Right here, Dean." He voice was quiet and right beside him. He turned to see Jen standing next to him. Dean's chin was trembling as he looked to her.

"Why me?" He said, tears filling his eyes. "Why do I watch everyone die but I get brought back and protected by Angels? Someone should have been protecting Pamela." Dean looked to Jen, but he knew she wouldn't answer him. She returned his look, and Dean would have sworn he could see sadness in her eyes behind her calm, expressionless face. But Jen doesn't give answers, she always asks the boys to find those answers on their own. Right now, though, both of them knew that Dean didn't really want answers. He was almost as scared of the answers as he was to ask the questions. That's why he asked Jen.

Jen did the only thing she could for Dean. She put her arms around him and held him as he started sobbing.

For a while, it seemed that Dean would be inconsolable. Jen knew that she couldn't answer his questions, and knew that he didn't really want the answers either. Some of them she knew. She knew why he was brought back, and she knew that he wasn't going to be happy when he finally found out.

She also knew that in some ways, Pamela was simply done with this world. Sure, she would have gone on living if that had been the way things played out, but lately, all she felt around her was death and destruction and couldn't even see the beautiful parts of life to help her shut that out. Jen had felt that from her when she agreed to help the boys. Jen knew that Pam was ready for the danger in this mission, and almost invited it. In her own way, Pamela had finally escaped the darkness.

She couldn't tell that to Dean either. First, and foremost, she wouldn't break the confidentiality of private thoughts, even those directed to her. But, she knew that Dean had continued to feel guilty for the loss of Pamela's eyes, and knowing how that contributed to her death would kill him even more.

For now, she held Dean's shaking body and stroked his hair. After a few minutes, he began to calm down some. Jen whispered in his ear. "I told you once that I thought you had a purpose. I think you'll still find it."

Dean picked up his head, wiped his face and looked at Jen. He didn't speak, but his eyes were desperate for some small shred of hope, his thoughts questioning Jen's certainty.

"I really do." Jen responded to Dean's inner dialogue. Her face remained expressionless, but she looked into Dean's eyes with a sincerity that he couldn't ignore. Dean nodded slightly and took a deep breath.

"I have a question," Dean said, fully composed now. "About Pamela."

"Yes?"

"What did you tell her, after she spoke to Sam. You went over to her, I know you told her something that made her smile, right at the end. What was it?"

Jen smiled and took Dean's hand. "I showed her a sunrise. It was the thing she missed the most about not being able to see." Jen watched Dean's eyes mist over again. She squeezed his hand, and he squeezed hers in return.

"Thanks for doing that for her." Dean whispered. Jen could feel the deep guilt that Dean still felt, but she couldn't do anything about it except send what positive energies she could through his hand.

They stood in silence for a minute. Then Jen looked over at Dean. "You ready to go back?"

Dean took a deep breath and sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, we can go back."

They walked back to the pyre just as the flames were dying down. Sam and Bobby looked at Dean and Jen, but no one said a word.


	15. On the Head of a Pin

"I would give anything not to have you do this." Castiel said calmly, turning away from Dean.

"Clearly not _anything_." Jen's voice echoed slightly as she materialized between Dean and Castiel. Castiel turned to look at her.

"You have your rules, and I have mine." Castiel responded, maintaining his usual cold demeanor.

For a moment, Jen just stared at Castiel. She kept her face still, but there was fire in her eyes. As she looked into Castiel's, though he tried to appear disinterested, she could see somewhere deep in him he really did believe what he said earlier. He truly felt this was the only way. Jen softened, but only slightly. She couldn't show weakness to Castiel, or whoever else may be watching.

She turned around to face Dean and walked toward him. She took his hands and looked into his eyes. His chin trembled. His unspoken thoughts were pleading for her help to get through this task that he had already accepted was now his. She looked at him carefully, making sure that all he saw was the strength he needed in her eyes. She spoke to him quietly.

"I will help you. I will stay with you as long as you need. You can get through this. I know you can."

"Thank you." Dean responded, lifting his head and pulling what he needed from Jen as she gave as much strength as she could. He pulled Jen to him in a hug, and whispered in her ear. "Tell Sam to wait for me. I don't want him here. I don't want him to see." Dean took in a slow breath and pulled back again.

"I understand." Jen replied. She looked into Dean's eyes once more. She knew that he hated what this was going to do to him, but he could handle it. He had to handle it. She vanished quickly. She still had to talk to Sam.

* * *

><p>"That is not acceptable!" Sam shouted at Jen, pacing around the motel room. Jen felt helpless her eyes pleading with Sam to understand. It wasn't working. "I can't just sit here and do nothing. He can't do it, I can. I need to be there. Just tell me where to go."<p>

"Sam, I can't. I ..." Jen sighed in defeat, remembering Castiel's words. "I have my rules."

"Yeah? Well, your rules are bullshit." Sam glared at Jen. She was at a loss. Sam had been pushing her away again further and further over the last few weeks, and she had no idea what he was thinking or what to say to appease him. She took a breath and held back her frustration. Millennia of existence had taught her well how to fully control any negative emotions she felt. However, suddenly she paused. Nothing else had worked so far, but maybe, just maybe, Jen could appeal to Sam's empathy. Maybe he would let her through that way.

So, Jen did something she had barely done in the last thousand years; she allowed tears to fill her eyes, but not fall. She took a step toward Sam who was facing the door arms crossed. She put her hand on his arm. "Sam, please ..." Jen spoke and her voice quivered slightly.

Sam turned to her and was noticeably surprised and shaken to see her like that. His expression softened for a moment and tears shone in his eyes as well. For a second, Jen was hopeful. Then Sam turned away from her again and shook his head.

"No." He said softly. "Dean is wrong. If you won't help me, I'll have to find another way."

Jen recognized Sam in this state. She knew that there was nothing else she could do, so she reasserted her self-control and took a step back. Sam turned to look at her. "Go. Be with Dean. He'll need you." Jen looked at Sam once more and then slowly dissolved away, though she stayed long enough to see what Sam did next.

He pulled out his cell phone and dialed. "Ruby?"

* * *

><p><p>

Dean was beat to shit and in the hospital, and the Angel who had supposedly brought Dean back for a reason refused to heal him. Sam was furious.

He returned to Dean's bedside, watching his brother as the machines around him whirred and buzzed. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Jen. He looked up at her and though her face wore her usual neutral expression, he could see in her eyes how awful she felt for both him and Dean. It was the deepest sadness than he'd seen from her since Dean died. Sam's first instinct was to shout at Jen, that this was her fault for not telling Sam where Dean was originally, but he couldn't be angry with Jen, not now, not when he needed her.

Sam turned to Jen and put his arms around her waist, burying his head into her body as tears started falling.

"He's going to be okay." Jen said, one arm around Sam, the other stroking his hair. "He's strong. He will get through this." Sam knew that she was talking about both the mental and physical injuries that Dean suffered this time. He was glad that Jen was there with him, but he still held back. He still didn't want to let Jen know about what he was doing with Ruby. Jen didn't push him, just stayed by his side, and Dean's. As it got late, and the doctors asked them to leave, Jen promised Sam that she would watch Dean through the night.

Castiel arrived the next afternoon while Jen was watching invisibly. Dean had woken up that morning, much to Sam's obvious relief, but Sam had leads to follow, and him and Dean had little to say about what happened anyway. Cas, of course, was the last person Dean wanted to talk to, but he did.

"Find someone else." Dean finally said as he turned away from Cas, tears that he couldn't stop sliding down his cheeks. Dean felt a hand on his head, smoothing his hair and he looked up into Jen's eyes, this time with sorrow and a hint of fear in them. She remained still, waiting. When Dean looked at her, he realized that Jen must have known about everything. She must have known about the first seal, even before he was in Hell, back when he made the deal. Jen's consistent push to keep Winchesters out of the pit, both Dean and Dad, probably came out of that knowledge. Everything she did during the year of his deal was with this in mind.

"You knew." Dean confirmed, and Jen nodded. She was silent, but Dean could see the fear in her eyes. He understood: she wasn't certain how Dean would react. In the past, when he found out what she knew about demons and their destiny, he often got angry at her. This time, though, anger was the farthest thing from Dean's thoughts.

Jen took Dean's hand and sat by his bedside as he continued. "You've always known. That's what it all was about, everything you said back then, when I … " Dean's breath caught in a small sob as he thought about that year and her constant pushing to accept what was happening and to let her help him. "I should have listened to you. I ... I mean ... you." The remaining words that Dean wanted to say stuck in his throat as the tears started streaming out of his eyes again.

"Shh. It's okay." The sound of Jen's voice was soothing, but it didn't change the guilt Dean felt. She squeezed his hand and kept speaking. "You can't change the past. Things happened, you learn, you move forward, you remember. You use all of these things to make up the person you are now."

Dean's brow furrowed and he though _I'm not sure I like the person I am now._ He looked up at Jen, knowing she heard him. His chin trembled as he worked to hold back the sobs. He couldn't do this here, not with all the equipment and Castiel nearby.

Jen leaned closer to him and spoke quietly. "Dean. I can take you to a place, not a real place, but a place inside your head where you aren't bound by your physical body. It would be just us. It takes more energy than I usually expend, and our time will be limited, but if you want, I can do that."

Dean wasn't completely sure of what Jen was talking about, but it sounded significantly better than his current situation. He glanced over at Cas, then nodded to Jen. "Yes. Please," he whispered.

"Shut your eyes and relax." Jen instructed. Dean did so. He took a breath in and when he breathed out again, the sounds of the hospital were gone and instead he heard running water and birds chirping. He opened his eyes and could see that he was seated alongside a small lake, wearing normal clothes, not a hospital gown. He moved his arms and legs and felt his face.

"Wow." Dean said as he turned to see Jen seated beside him in a white, flowing skirt and tan top from clearly a much earlier time period. "Where are we?" Dean asked.

"Shannon's Pot, Ireland." Jen answered, smiling at Dean. "My home."

For a moment, Dean just stared around him at the scenery. Then, his mind drifted back to the situation at hand, and his role in breaking the first seal, and his eyes filled with tears again. He pulled his knees to his chest and leaned over, shaking his head as he spoke.

"I can't do this. It's too much responsibility. I don't do well with responsibility. Last time I was responsible for something, I landed in Hell and started this whole thing "

Jen put her arm around Dean's shoulders, and he leaned toward her. Tears escaped and began falling down his cheeks as the memories of the whole situation, torturing Alastair and finding out about the first seal filled his mind. Soon, all the memories of Hell that had been conjured up from where Dean had hidden them away began to surface, and Dean put his arms around Jen, sobbing like a child while she held him tightly, humming a soothing melody.

After what seemed like a long time, Dean's breathing slowed, and the tears began to dry up. He loosened his grip around her, but kept his head on her shoulder, and she kept her arm around him. That's when she finally spoke.

"The place we are at was known in ancient times as the Well of Knowledge. I was its guardian. People came to this place seeking wisdom and answers. They wished to drink the waters and have all the knowledge they needed. However, when I encountered a person who truly wanted the wisdom to help others, I refused to allow them to drink. True wisdom has to come from within, and if what you wish is help others, then you already have all you need."

Dean sniffed, listening carefully. "Is that your way of telling me I already know what I need to do?"

Jen chuckled. "In a way. I'm telling you that trying to help others and save lives is never wrong, no matter what happens in the end. This isn't new, I've said it before. I'm also reminding you to look inside yourself before you make the decision to help or not help the Angels. You must make the decision that you can live with no matter the actual consequences."

"I may have to think about this one for a while." Dean hated where following the Angels had been taking him, and he hated the idea of being the one who was supposed to save the planet. Still, he couldn't just watch and let it happen, could he? Right now, getting out still seemed like the best idea. The last thing he wanted was to go back to the hospital with Castiel watching and waiting, but he knew that time must be coming soon. "How much longer do we have here?" He asked Jen.

"Not much." Jen answered quietly.

"Can you sing something?" Dean asked. If there was anything that made him feel better in terrible situations, it was Jen's singing.

Jen smiled. "Of course."

_"The thin horizon of a plan is almost clear  
>my friends and I have had a tough time<br>bruising our brains hard up against change  
>all the old dogs and the magician<br>now I see we're in the boat in two by twos  
>only the heart that we have for a tool we can use<br>and the very close quarters are hard to get used to  
>love weighs the hull down with its weight<br>but the wood is tired and the wood is old  
>and we'll make it fine if the weather holds<br>but if the weather holds we'll have missed the point  
>that's where I need to go"<em>

Slowly, Dean noticed that the world around him was fading into a haze and the hospital room was reappearing. He shut his eyes and focused on the music as Jen continued.  
><em><br>"no way construction of this tricky plan  
>was built by other than a greater hand<br>with a love that passes all our understanding  
>watching closely over the journey<br>yeah but what it takes to cross the great divide  
>seems more than all the courage I can muster up inside<br>although we get to have some answers when we reach the other side  
>the prize is always worth the rocky ride<br>but the wood is tired and the wood is old  
>and we'll make it fine if the weather holds<br>but if the weather holds we'll have missed the point  
>that's where I need to go"<em>

Dean felt himself getting more and more tired and soon he was asleep.

* * *

><p><p>

Castiel remained silent in the chair observing Dean and Jen. For a long time, they both sat silent and still as if in a trance. He didn't know exactly what she was doing with Dean, but she had put up a barrier to Dean's mind, and Castiel respected that. He knew that they needed Dean, and after this, Cas has no idea how to get Dean back. However, he knew that if anyone could get to Dean, it was Jen, so Cas could only hope that whatever Jen was doing would help.

Suddenly, Jen began to sing. Castiel had never heard her sing before, and even he felt almost entranced by the music. He saw Dean look at Jen for a moment, and then close his eyes and drift off to sleep.  
><em><br>"sometimes I ask to sneak a closer look  
>skip to the final chapter of the book<br>and then maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took  
>to get us where we are this far, this far<br>but the question drowns in its futility  
>and even I have got to laugh at me<br>no one gets to miss the storm of what will be  
>just holding on for the ride<br>the wood is tired and the wood is old  
>we'll make it fine if the weather holds<br>but if the weather holds we'll have missed the point  
>that's where I need to go<em>"

When Jen finished, she turned and looked at Castiel.

"Those words were also meant for you."

Castiel wasn't completely sure that he understood, but he thought that he had a good idea of what she meant. Still, he remained quietly contemplative and she returned his silence. Both the Goddess and the Angel maintained vigil over Dean that night.


	16. Monster at the End of This Book

Dean dumped the pile of books on the bed and started to sort through them. Sam grabbed the first one labeled simply "Supernatural" and flipped through it without thinking. Suddenly, right at the end of the book, the words on the page caught his eye.

_Sam leaned back on the bed, content to be back and wondering to where Jess had run off. Then, he felt a tickle on his forehead. He twitched, thinking it was a feather or something, and then he felt another. He opened his eyes, curious as to the source of the tickle when he saw her. Jess was on the ceiling, sprawled wide, he hair flared about, her mouth wide in a scream, and a huge gash of blood across her gut. Sam's heart and stomach sank in unison …_

Sam quickly dropped the book, the same feeling coming back in his memory making him feel almost sick to his stomach for a moment. Suddenly, Sam felt a hand grip his own, and the terrible sensations began to fade away. He looked to his side to see Jen beside him.

"So, what's with all the books/?" Jen asked quickly, still holding Sam's hand.

Sam quickly cleared his throat and blinked his eyes, pulling his composure together. Dean responded.

"Apparently, somebody has been writing books about our lives."

"Interesting."

Dean huffed. "That's one word for it." Dean started picking up books and chucking them at Sam. "You should look through some of these."

Sam finally snapped fully out of his nostalgic break and let Jen's hand go to grab the books. He read some of the titles. "Bugs. Hookman. Born Under a Bad Sign. Sounds crazy."

Dean picked up a book. "All Hell Breaks Loose." He read as he flipped the book over and read the jacket. For a moment Dean froze in place and his face went slightly pale. "Fuck that one."

Sam turned to Dean, and by the time he had, Jen was already beside Dean, whispering something to him. Sam picked up the book. It didn't take long to understand Dean's reaction. The jacket read:

_For years, no one had known what the yellow-eyed demon had in store for his special children, but now it was clear: it was a fight to the death. Unfortunately, this was a fight Sam was destined to lose._

Sam looked over at Dean again, but he was already leafing through other books. He tossed one over on his bag and then another toward Sam.

As the pile dwindled to nearly nothing, Sam's eyes caught another book called "No Rest for the Wicked" which is picked up and read only the first few words of before he dropped it on the floor.

_Dean's deal is finally due, and there seems to be no way out this time._

Dean looked over at Sam confused. Sam shook his head. "Not that one," and then Sam turned away, taking a few steps off to the side. Tears built up in Sam's eyes, and he tried to blink them back. He hated that. Dean was here, alive; this shouldn't bother him this much still.

"It's okay, Sam." Jen appeared in front of Sam, looking up at him carefully.

"I'm not sure I want to read any of these," Sam was thinking about all the terrible things that had happened to him and quickly realizing that reliving any of them wasn't on his list of fun things to do.

Jen reached up and put her arms around Sam in a hug, and he gave her a squeeze in return. She whispered in his ear. "I'm sure you can find useful information on the internet as well."

The two let go, and Sam nodded, feeling significantly better than before. "Yeah, yeah, I'll find out what I can about the books." Sam quickly went over to the computer and began searching.

Dean waved a book around in the air with the drawing of a large truck on it. "Route 666, I think I'll start with this one!"

Sam looked up at Jen once more. She smiled and then vanished.

* * *

><p>Dean knew it was a bad idea, but he almost felt compelled. He had stashed the book entitled In My Time of Dying beneath his pillow earlier, and hearing Sam's steady breathing and slight snore, he pulled it out. He read the jacket again.<p>

_… and John makes the ultimate sacrifice to save his oldest son._

He flicked his flashlight on and began reading, flipping through the parts he remembered relatively quickly. It didn't take him long to find what he was looking for.

_John hobbled to the basement carrying the supplies Sam had brought him. He knew there was only one option to save Dean._

Tears filled Dean's eyes, but he kept reading. He had to know how it happened. A moment later, Dean felt a body beside him and an arm around his shoulders. He had figured Jen would find him. She spoke quietly to him.

"You don't have to do this, Dean."

Dean swallowed hard and kept reading. "Yes, I do."

Jen didn't try to talk him out of reading again, she just squeezed his shoulder and remained beside him. By the time Dean reached the part where he woke up from the coma, the tears in his eyes were sliding down his cheeks, and when Sam discovered John on the floor, Dean only barely stifled a sob. Still he pushed to the end of the book. He could barely read the final words, but he did. Finally, Jen carefully took the book out of his hands, and he leaned toward her wrapping his arms around her, and muffling his crying into her shirt.

After a minute or two, he pulled back and looked at Jen, eyes still full of tears. "I still miss him, Jen. I really do."

Jen brushed her hand across Dean's still wet cheek. "I think we all do, Dean."

Dean sighed and leaned back into Jen, shutting his eyes.

"Why aren't you in any of these, Jen?" Dean whispered.

"I like to keep a low profile." Jen responded. Then, she began to sing.

"_Would you know my name, If I saw you in heaven …"_

* * *

><p><p>

"Alright, Ceibhfhionn, you wanted a meeting. Hurry it up, this meat suit is freezing." Zachariah shouted to the empty mountain top.

Jen appeared slowly. "Oh, right. You have an actual physical form."

Zach rolled his eyes at the Goddess before him. "If this is just going to be a time-wasting exchange of insults, I have better things to do."

"Dean is not going to listen to you just because you throw him into alternate realities."

Zach shrugged. "I don't know. He's back on the job, so, maybe it did work."

Jen ignored the comment and continued, her eyes blazing at the Angel, though her expression was still. "Also, nice trick keeping me out of the books."

"You said it yourself: you like to keep a low profile. We can't go mixing religions now, can we." Zach smiled slyly at Jen. She was not amused.

"We may not have exactly the same goals, but I think we still both want what's best for the planet. You know that the Winchesters listen to me. Let me do my job and stop trying to manipulate them."

Now Zach stared at Jen, anger apparent on his face. "They 'listen to you' do they? Weren't you supposed to keep them out of Hell? By the time we got involved, it was too late. The first seal was broken. I think manipulation is a better option than relying on someone who isn't even allowed to save their lives."

The wind whipped up around Zachariah picking up the snow and creating a small blizzard. Jen could see that he was trying to intimidate her, show his power. Well, she could play that game as well. Jen held out her hand and pulled the snow from Zach's miniature storm tight together in her hand in a snowball.

"I'm not powerless, but we do believe that free will is more important than choosing outcomes."

"Free will is an illusion."

"Your Bible suggests otherwise in nearly every story, beginning with Eve's choice to eat the fruit." Zach's eyes flared, and Jen knew that she had hit a nerve. She continued. "Is this your God's decision? What does He think?"

Zach glared, silent for a moment. "I suggest that unless you intend on helping our cause, you stay out of our way."

Jen maintained her completely composed, stoic demeanor in contrast to Zach's fury. "You have no power to hurt me, so I believe we will simply have to agree to disagree."

Zach smiled once more at Jen. "You can't stop us anyway, and this meeting is over." He snapped his fingers and was gone.

Jen stood for a long moment in snow. She knew that her job was not going to be easy in the coming months. She could only do so much. She hoped it would be enough.


	17. Jump the Shark

Sam and Dean stood in silence watching the flames encompass their newly discovered brother. Dean was surprised at how bad he felt for this brother that he had never known. Watching the body burn also spiked a few old memories, his dad in particular.

Soft footsteps sounded across the leaves behind them. It could only be Jen, and neither boy turned to look until she stepped up beside Dean and stopped.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be here earlier." She said softly.

"It's okay." Dean responded, reaching for her hand. She took his and gave it a squeeze. They knew not to ask where Jen had been. The Angels weren't the only ones trying to keep seals from being broken, and sometimes it seemed Jen was gone more than around lately. It didn't help that Sam was still hiding things from both her and Dean. If she was more useful elsewhere, Dean knew that was better for everyone, even though he wished she were around more than he would ever admit.

Dean let Jen's hand go again and the three stood in silence watching the body burn. As the flames began to die down, Sam yawned.

"Hey, umm, I'm really beat. I think I'm going to sleep."

"Yeah, go ahead and take the back. I'll just be a bit longer." Dean responded. He was glad Sam was going, because he wanted some time with Jen anyway. Sam caught her quickly in a hug before disappearing.

"Thanks for being here." He said.

"Of course." She responded.

Sam walked away, and a moment later the Impala's door shut. Almost simultaneously, Jen was beside Dean gently rubbing his back.

"You okay?"

Dean looked up and formed a weak smile as his eyes filled with tears.

"No. Not really." He looked at Jen. "I assume you caught up on what happened."

"I did."

"You know, the whole time we thought it was Adam, I envied him, because he did all that father-son stuff with Dad, but now, knowing he died without ever really knowing why, now I kind of feel bad for him. He didn't deserve this."

"No he didn't." Jen responded as she moved her hand upward to gently squeeze Dean's shoulder. That's when Dean realized that his face was already wet, and so he turned to Jen and let her hold him tightly as tears simply kept falling.

It wasn't just Adam, it seemed that Sam was slipping farther and farther away from Dean by the minute as well. He whispered into Jen's ear.

"I don't know what to do with Sam anymore. He's so different, so … I don't know, single-minded I guess. Nothing matters to him except hunting, except killing Lillith."

"Yes, I've seen that."

Jen's response was simple and quiet, but Dean could hear, just barely beneath her controlled tone, sadness in her voice. It was almost too much for Dean; if Jen couldn't do anything, what could he do? Jen spoke again.

"He still cares about you, Dean. Use that when you can. We can do this."

He knew that she was being optimistic for his sake, but it did make him feel a little better, a little. Dean could feel the fatigue of the evening beginning to set in and he took a few deep breaths still holding on to Jen before pushing himself away. For a moment he just looked at Jen, hoping that she had some other answers, or at least that she could stay and watch Sam with him. Jen smiled at Dean and reached her hand to his cheek.

"I always hear you. Now, get to sleep."

Dean smiled back at Jen as she slowly dissolved away before his eyes.

"Thanks." He whispered to the empty air. Then he walked back to the car and carefully got in his seat, glancing back at his brother curled up on the back seat. He certainly looked the same while sleeping. Just like Dean always remembered. Dean sigh, leaned back, and shut his eyes. He drifted off, remaining hopeful, or at least trying.


	18. When the Levee Breaks

Dean turned away from the panic room as Sam shouted at him through the door. He stopped short as Jen appeared immediately in front of him, and then, just as suddenly, he grabbed her tightly.

"Can you do anything?" Dean asked carefully.

Jen was silent for a long moment. "No. I can't change him physically, and if he's hallucinating, I can't be inside his head, even if he would let me."

"Fuck."

"I can watch him. I can tell you how near or far he is from dying." Dean flinched noticeably at her words, but she quickly continued. "Right now, he's very much alive. This is not going to be fun for him, but it's not going to kill him. Not right now, anyway."

Sam began shouting something incoherent, and Dean tensed, squeezing Jen more tightly. She whispered to him.

"Let's go upstairs."

Dean didn't want to leave his brother here, but he couldn't stay and listen. He knew that he couldn't. He let go and let Jen lead him away.

* * *

><p>Bobby finally agreed to talk to Rufus, and Dean took the opportunity to down his whiskey and slip out into the other room. He could still hear Sam below, intermittently shouting and talking to himself. Dean hated sitting upstairs doing nothing, but he had no idea what else he could do.<p>

Tears filled his eyes as he leaned his head into his hands. He felt Jen's touch on his shoulder, and her presence beside him.

"I can't do this, Jen. I have to do it, but I just can't keep listening to him." Tears slipped out of Dean's eyes, and he brushed them away, though more followed. He sat up and leaned back against Jen's shoulder. He shut his eyes as a sob shook his body. Jen wrapped her arms around him, and he held her arm tightly as he sobbed quietly.

"How is he doing? I need to know." Dean whispered, although he was terrified of the answer.

Jen hesitated. "It's hard. The hallucinations are pushing his mental state right to the edge. I still believe he can work through this, though. I really do."

"We don't even know what this is, or how long it will last, or if it will even work."

"No. We don't."

Dean sighed and sat up, pushing Jen off him gently.

"I gotta see if Cas can help us." He said, turning to Jen. "I know you don't trust him, but he might have the only answer to saving Sammy's life."

Jen nodded in understanding. "It's okay, Dean. Do what you have to do."

Dean was surprised that Jen gave in so easily to that, and then the idea frightened him, because he realized that Jen must be worried about Sam as well to let Dean talk to the Angels. Before he could think about what this all meant, Jen spoke again.

"I'm sorry, Dean, but I have to run. I'll return. I promise. And don't forget, I can always hear you."

"Thanks." Dean said as he wrapped his arms around her for one last hug.

* * *

><p>Sam walked out the door, leaving Dean bloodied and on the floor. He moved his lips and just barely formed the word, "Jen," although in his mind he shouted it.<p>

She was there a moment later. "Oh, Dean!" She bent down beside Dean, scanning his injuries, and she grasped his hand, helping pull him up to sit. Somehow, even with the cuts and bruises and probable black eye, the worst pain was the crushing feeling of his Sammy walking out on him. Once he was sitting again, he pulled his knees up to his chest tightly as tears filled his eyes and spilled over his cheeks. Jen sat next to Dean and wrapped her arms around him.

"How could he do that? How could he actually walk out?" Dean sobbed.

Jen was silent. Dean wasn't really looking for an answer, he knew who to blame.

"Fucking Ruby. I'm going to fucking kill her. First thing I'm going to do is fucking slice her to fucking pieces." Dean mumbled , blinking and brushing the tears out of his way.

"Dean …" Jen began, but Dean pushed her arms off him.

"I know what you are going to say: revenge doesn't help … or things work out in the end. I don't want to hear it." Dean pushed himself up to standing and turned to Jen, instantly beside him. "I'm going back to Bobby's; we're going to work out a plan to get to Lillith before Sam does."

Jen nodded. "Just, be careful, and don't forget: he's still your brother."

Dean's throat tightened, and he took a deep breath before speaking. "I know." Him and Jen locked eyes for a moment, and then Dean squeezed her tightly in a hug. Almost as soon as he released her, she was gone again.

Dean left the room. He had some demons to track down and destroy. Hopefully, before Sam did something both of them would regret.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Well, that's essentially the end of Season 4, because Jen can't get much involved in the whole Lilith debacle. Thanks for reading! Keep an eye out for the next installment of Season 5: The Year We Took Back What Was Ours, I think I'll try and post it next week sometime. Review if you enjoy and it will remind me to post more!<strong>


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